Spherical Studies

that is the most sinister...

2012-01-12T10:09:00.000-08:00

Mike Brown on Kobe:
"Kobe is not as much. Kobe's more serious-minded and so on and so forth. But Kobe knows how to have fun in his own way, too."

you get shivers? (editors note: yeah, that's all for now)

Read more:http://basketball.realgm.com/wiretap/218226/Brown_Kobe_More_Serious_Minded_Than_LeBron#ixzz1jGiqiLDe

Super Cool Two-Man NBA Roundtable (With A Special Guest)!

2012-01-07T14:49:00.000-08:00

Alright readers, sit down and shut up!

I just busted Professor J out of a maximum security mental asylum in a hail of gunfire and explosions and have some time to kill before the authorities arrive!
(Editor's note: for those of you who missed the "Professor J: A Broken Man" day time special on Lifetime, I'll catch you up to speed: After the Heat losing the NBA Finals, J became catatonic and fell into a downward spiral of depression and debauchery that didn't end well to say the least. He was finally tracked down in late August, playing with Charlie Sheen and four porn stars in a mariachi band in Cancun).

It's time to go back to the good old days when, in Mad Men fashion, we'd sit in a male dominated, smoke-filled room, with our sleeves rolled up and desk phones going off all around us, talking hoops for hours.

So let's pry open those old wounds and start rubbing the salt in!

It's time for a two man round-table discussion (no holds barred)

So without further ado:

Let's get nuts

Professor J, you get to draw first blood, so let me slap down a question.

Question 1: When and how does Greg Oden come back?

Professor J: Honestly? I don't ever see Greg Oden coming back which would make him one of the NBA's most tragic stories and, cruelly, one of it's biggest busts. I've heard all the stories about why he gets injured so often (including his legs being different lengths and problems with doctors/training staffs). Whatever the reason, it is becoming clear that Greg Oden just cannot play professional basketball and stay healthy. I started thinking that a year ago and it just becomes more and more apparent every season. Between that and Brandon Roy, the Blazers just have no luck.

In my opinion, a healthy Blazers team would be an instant contender in the Western Conference. Raymond Felton, Roy, Gerald Wallace, Aldridge, and Greg Oden with Marcus Camby, Wesley Matthews, Nic Batum, and Kurt "The Enforcer" Thomas off the bench? I can see that team doing some things. Oden and Roy aren't the only people who have been robbed by their unfortunate injuries. All of us have lost the chance to see a fantastic small market team compete for a championship(AKA Dan Gilbert's Socialist NBA Dream).

Question 2: Do you agree with the idea that all the Chicago Bulls need to win a championship is a good shooting guard?

Baby Hornacek: I think I've read Dan Gilbert's socialist manifesto. It involved every NBA player wearing babushka headscarves for home games and "sharing the ball" on offense, but I digress.

It's funny don't you think? The Bulls need a shooting guard to win a championship. Things haven't changed much have they? (Editor's note: Since the 90s? Well I got rid of my FUBU jeans and stopped listening to Sisqo like 5 years ago)

The way I see it, the Bulls need a JJ Reddick, someone who can feast on open jumpers while Rose does the razzle dazzle. (Editor's note: I just learned "razzle" is not a real word... why am I the editor of this blog again?) I'll keep this short (I think I heard a knock at the door), but you know what? Rose is a young man, and the Bulls need another championship banner the way J.R. Smith needs another tattoo. (Editor's note: he means "not much at all") So you know what? Rose take a number and get in line. We'll call you when the Heat control the world and we need a hero to stop them.

yeah there's no caption for this...because I could only think about that Nickleback song

Anyway, before I run out of steam, here comes

Question 3: Professor J, if Blake Griffin takes off on the break at 20 mph, and Chris Paul gets on a train leaving Pennsylvania at 4:45, and the quotient, and gradient, and carry the 4! In simpler terms (Editor's note: and in complete sentences), how many alley oops will CP 3 register in a game?

Professor J: I see him getting 8 alley-oops in a game sometime this season. You don't think the Clippers could catch a bad team tired after a back-to-back and CP3 just breaks everyone down off the dribble and gets that 8 alley oops? Totally happening. But will they win anything? I think they'll make some noise in the first round of the playoffs but will be dispatched by some more experienced team (ie Spurs, Mavericks or Lakers) who just waits them out and takes advantage of their defensive deficiencies. Plus Vinny Del Negro is their coach. That's not a plus.

Question 4: On a scale of meatloaf to New Year's Eve parties, how excited are you for the Minnesota Timberwolves, this season and beyond?

I won't say too much because a) I don't want to jynx it and b) I want to wait a few more games before I start mailing David Kahn locks of my hair (not too many more games though, I have a bunch of stamped envelopes at the ready).
BUT I AM SO EXCITED! Say what you will about Kahn, but, and I will say again, he has made this team exciting (more on this at a later time). The crazy thing is, we almost went 4-1 to start the season (it's weird to say but our weakest opponent in the last 5 games, Milwaukee really had our number, we kept it close but never looked in control).
I know almost means nothing, but we almost beat the Heat and Thunder! and that's with 3 new prominent players (Barea, Rubio and D-Will) having limited time to mesh with our squad! It's hard not to expect big things from these guys. I'm not saying playoffs, but a homer like me is going to dream.
At the very least it looks like every game is going to have a lot of these:

If you're thinking of visiting the Real Lob City, bring a jacket and maybe some long underwear.
Also, Rubio's swishing 3s like it's no ones business! (Editors note: you haven't mentioned Kevin Love yet, so I will...KEVIN LOVE)
Since I hate New Years Eve parties (long story) and am pretty partial to meatloaf (longer story) I'm going to reverse your scale and say I'm well beyond Meatloaf level excitement, I'm damn near at Haggis!

Question 5:
Without outside sources, which beach boy in this video is Kevin Love related to?

Professor J: He's related to Mike Love right? I couldn't tell you which one he is. I might have to ask my dad (although he is more a Beatles fan). Is it just me or does Kevin Love look like a completely different person this year? He looks like an overgrown prep school sophomore. All he needs is Shane Battier's shirt from the Miami Heat intro video.

Question 6: Who is going to have a better season: the Boston Celtics or the Los Angeles Lakers?
Hmmmm, that's a tough question. Mostly because I rarely watch either of these teams. I'm going to say the Celtics. For 3 reasons. 1) Andrew Bynums balsa wood legs can't be trusted. 2) Kobe's injuries 3) No depth, anywhere. The Lakers always had depth at the big positions, but they gave up Lamar Odom for some bus fair and now they don't have that either, and when Bynum goes down (editors note: see point 1) they're in trouble.

In the Lakers defense, Kobes never seemed more sympathetic. After losing his right arm (editors note: BH doesn't understand what a ligament is) and going through a divorce I think Kobe's becoming sort of a sympathetic figure.

As much as people hate guys like Kobe, it's guys like him that elevate our sport beyond simply leather bound shenanigans. If Kobe, someone with more god given ability and establishment given money than almost anyone (editors note: almost, he said ALMOST) can be consumed by his basketball legacy, suddenly rabid sports fandom doesn't feel so silly does it?
So yeah, anyway, Kobe's an iron man, and if the Lakers make some noise this year that could do wonders for how his career is remembered. (editors note: the injuries, the trades, someone would almost think Kobe planed this)

The Celtics on the other hand have some relatively good depth.
Paul Pierce has an "old mans rec league game" (editors note: hey we're blog 800,345 to mention that! we might win a trip to Cancun!) and can play forever.
Ray Allen has that obsessive desire to stay sharp and in shape (editors note: never mind, we lost)
and KG, well KG's been breaking down for some time now. The elephant in the room no longer runs the court like he used to.
I still think the Celtics have a better season, more cohesion, and Kobe screaming at them will have less effect on their team chemistry than it will on the Lakers.
As a matter of fact they are in a great situation. Able to contend for a championship one more year (maybe 2 more) before breaking it all up and rebuilding around a playoff tested, grizzled Rondo, who's finding himself offensively (Editors note: Rondo + Greg "I'm a shooter" Sistema )

Ok in short, Celtics do better than the Lakers, unless Kobe wills them to unforeseen heights and adds another chapter to his career.

Court-side updates from Professor J

2011-12-23T13:01:00.000-08:00

(Editor's note: We don't have the funding to have a man on the hardwood when the games start mattering, so here's Professor J being there for us when it's harmless and inoffensive to everyone involved: reporting his thoughts from a Pre-season game between the Magic and Heat!)

On my way to the Miami Heat-Orlando Magic preseason game right now and Prof Js Super Cool Live Update blog Sponsored by Wendy's starts in about an hour! Right after I finish this delicious "W" burger, Wendy's new signature burger, and their fantastic fresh cut fries!

Things I'm looking forward to:

-Seeing Lebron James and Dwyane Wade in person after 7 years (I saw them play in the Olympics in 2004, a memory I had blocked out until my mom reminded me this morning)

-Seeing Eddy Curry in person. My seat is so high up, he may be the only player I'll be able to see clearly.

-Dwight Howard's relationship with his teammates/the Mqgic fans. As a central Florida resident, I can assure you the Dwight situation is a HUGE deal here. For example, the local news here is usually about three things: the weather, violent crimes and Casey Anthony. For the last three week though, Dwight has been making nightly appearances, usually saying the right things in a passive voice while appearing to be 5,000 miles away. Wait is Los Angeles 5,000 miles? However far away Los Angeles is from Orlando. That's how far away.

-Earl Clark! And Norris Cole! And Daniel Orton! And the many other players I have to break down for my mom over the course of the night.

Be back soon!

In my seat and enjoying the festivities. The new Amway Center is, IMO, one of the best arenas in pro sports. Open, easy to walk around, a lot of clear views of the court.

And so it begins:

-this place is going to be packed. Hate the Heat and Lebron James if you want but they bring people out to games. -Magic dancers walk around the arena before games and interact with people. Its a nice touch for creepy people like me.

-The magic mascot looks exactly like a mascot someone on a deadline had to dream up to represent a team with such an ambiguous name like "the Magic". Hes a green dragon with pink, yellow, purple highlights.

-the magic just came out to and are warming up to "Niggas in Paris". Every other word is bleeped.

-The heat are out! Half the crowd boos, the other half cheers.

-Btw about our fantasy league, I'm bouncing around a few names for my team. I like "I LOVE STERN AND HUNTER" but in mulling changing it to "ALL HAIL BIYOMBO" or "6th best player on the LA Lakers". I'll have to think about this.

- A guy sitting near me has a huge shirt of Dwight Howard's face as drawn by Edgar Degas. I want one

-Note: for the remainder of this update, I will refer to Joel Anthony only as "The Warden" and Hedo Turkoglu will be "The Albatross" because of his massive contract that is basically tied to Dwights in any trade.

-You can tell Jason Richardson from the upper deck solely based on the shape of his head. It's so strangely sloped.

-Game on!

-Powder toss!

-The magics pump up video is quite epic. Just ended with a fullscreen Dwight dunk. Think they'll mind if I run on court and play?

-I like Ryan Anderson. I don't know why. And I won't testify to it on the record.

-JJ Redick speaking to the crowd. First time I've heard him speak. And I HATE HIM.

-Party Rock Anthem just makes people want to dance. From 8 to 80, if you don't dance to party rock anthem, there's something wrong with you I'm sorry. At least tap your toes!

-Magic win the toss.

-hahah As soon as Lebron touched the ball, people started booing.

- Foul on Joel Anthony. Now it's.a Heat game!

-Lebron will the first basket. Wade with a pretty spin on the baseline. 4-0 Heat

-Chris Bosh looks so laconic on the floor.

-My mom thinks cheering loudly during free throws is bad sportsmanship. She's also rooting for "a good game".

-Lebron? With a post move?

-LEBRON JAMES JUST AIRBALLED A FREE THROW. Sigh....

-Defensive three seconds makes it 8-0 Heat -Lebron James makes it 12-0 Heat. Magic aren't hitting their threes. When they don't hit their threes, they just don't score.

-I just came to the realization the Heat are never going to sign a capable center in.a league where Kwame Brown gets 7 million dollars a year.

-16-4 Heat. Chalmers bumps Jameer Nelson on a drive. I keep forgetting the Heat pay Mario Chalmers a lot of money to play matador defense on other point guards.

-The Warden! With a steal! I'm surprised he only has one foul so far.

-The Warden again! With a competent offensive move?! Where am I??? I'm scared guys.

-All week since Kim Jong Il died, my dad has been making jokes about North Korean haircuts that he thinks are hilarious. He thinks Stan Van Gundy has a North Korean haircut.

-Lebron is on fire! 23-9 Heat.

-Norris Cole in the game. I have high hopes for him

-Dwight with the dunk. 23-12 heat.

-Juwan Howard in the game. Average age goes up to 35

-I totally forgot Big Baby Davis was on the Magic. Same with Jameer Nelson. The Magic are a strange team. If they didn't reach the Finals that one year, I doubt Otis Smith is still here.

-Redick nails a shot, 26-17 Heat.

-Every other guy Juwan Howard played college basketball with doesn't even play professional basketball anymore. Goodness he's old.

That's the end of the first!
Anndd we're back:

-Mikell Gladness in the game!!

-29-18 Heat.

-The Internet here is spotty and I'm running out of battery so excuse me if the updates are iffy.

-i always find it weird how pro coaches all gather together before they talk to their players like they're hatching a plan or something.

-34-18 Heat. Magic look overmatched on defense and lethargic on offense. When Lebron James is hitting jumpers, the Heat are pretty unstoppable...

-I'm predicting a monster year for Dwade. He's slimmer and seems more explosive.

- 38-20 Heat.

-I miss Michael Doleac. Now there was a mediocre-to-poor big man!

-Wade with his patented "fake and run into the defender" foul. Otherwise known as the second douchiest move you can do on the playground. The first is wear a compression sleeve.

-Tough hardcourt press by the Heat! This is new. Leads to a James steal and fouled on the layup. 43-20 Heat.

- I'm glad Jason Richardson stayed on the magic. I'd be more scared if he was on the Bulls then Rip Hamilton I don't know why.

-I'm nominating Von Wafer to the "Andray Blatche Memorial Occasionally All-Stars" team, the team for players who occasionally make All-star plays but aren't really, y'know, even close to All-Stars.

-The Warden makes his free throws. 46-26 Heat. No sign of the albatross.

-The Magic, Hawks, Sixers and Pacers all occupy that oood but just not good enough. We'll see this year.

- 47-32 Heat. That's what happens when your only offense is isos and The Warden taking free thows.

-Eddy Curry and James Jones on the kiss cam! Come on and touch it Dave...

-I really hope no one here paid more than a hundred bucks for a seat to a preseason basketball game.

-Place is packed though. After watching a Bobcats-Hawks preseason game the other day and being here, it's clear that there are huge power and interest gaps in the NBA...

-The Heat as a team get to the line a lot. 49-34 Heat.

-The Magic answer with a flurry of points and cut the lead to 14. Heat lead at the half, 56-42.

See you after the half!

Start of the second half: -

Seriously contemplating leaving a game of my favorite team early. Can't believe it but this has been quite lethargic. Guys walking. Missed shots. This will be a fun season to watch.

-Magic are making this a game. 58-47 Heat.

-The guy sitting next to me looks exactly like Donyell Marshall.

-58-52 Heat. The Magic started hitting their shots.

-YAY SHOUT IS ON THE LOUDSPEAKER. I assure you I didn't just yell that. The only good use of that song was in Wedding Crashers and Animal House.

-There's such strange, somber mood in the arena. It's affecting me. Getting...sleepy....and.....sad... Heat 60-52

- dwightdontgo.com

-beautiful alley oop from Nelson to Richardson. 66-59 Heat. -Big Baby with some Big Baby swagger on an and-one. 68-64 magic.

-Man that Wendy's sandwich from earlier was delicious!! Yum! -

- Lebron certainly is posting more. Just had Jameer Nelson on the block.

-Magic tie it at 70 with free throws by Nelson!

- Something about Big Baby Davjs makes him a terror when a game is close. Hustle and-one by him puts the Magic up,72-70.

-Larry Hughes plays for the Magic???

-Nice move by Norris Cole puts the Heat up 75-72. I like Cole, he's a smart rookie.

-Quentin Richardson and Lebron getting into it. Lebron bumped into Qrich while he was hamming for the cameras. Refs deciding the penalty.

-James Jones sinks the T to make it 80-74 Heat.

-Just showed the replay of Lebrons tiff with Qrich and got Lebron on tape messing with Richardson. Qrich jawing the crowd, pleading his innocence like a court defendant.

-Craig Sager and Craig Sagers crazy suit are in the house! Not watching the game anymore, watching Craig.

End of third! Miami up 80-76! I'm not sure if everyone in here knows it's an exhibition game...
Back for the fourth!!! Wait, where's Lebron? He just left?

Action starts:

- Norris Cole with 11 points. Puts the Heat up 82-81.

-Baby answers!! 83-82. Imagine your nickname was Big Baby. I hope there's an athlete with the nickname "Farts" one day. "Farts! From outside! BANGGGGG"

-Heat have Cole, Howard, Jones, Harris and Haslem on the floor. Miamis pu pu platter lineup.

-quick flurry of points by the Magic! Lead by.... Larry Hughes? What year am I in? 91-82 Magic

-Magic fans are so passionate and incredibly diverse. Really reflects this area of Florida.

-PUTYOURHANDSUPINTHEAIR, PUTYOURHANDSUPINTHEAIR

-Wade fouled, at the line. Sinks both, 91-84 Magic

-My dad is singing along to "Otjs". I'm so proud.

-James in the game, boos are born.

-Heat clamping down, 95-87 Magic.

-Uninformed season prediction: Magic and Heat both make playoffs, Heat make Finals and win finals.

-the ref just got pegged by a Lebron James half court pass.

-Lebron fouled shooting, makes both. 95-90, Magic.

-Lebron crab-dribbled, Lebron traveled.

-It's B-team vs B-team now. Daniel Orton makes an appearance and knocks one in. 97-92 Magic.

-JJ Redick and Ryan Anderson totally hang out with one another. Maybe Chris Duhon tags along.

-101-93 magic. IT'S OVA LADIES AND GENTS IT'S OVA.

- Magic win it! 104-100. They are now 22-1 in their last 23 preseason games. With their crowd, it's not hard to imagine why.

-Incredibly entertaining for a preaseason game. The circus that surrounds the Heat is still strong! Let's hope the season is just as entertaining for all teams

No One's Going To Read This...

2011-12-09T07:45:00.000-08:00

Like the title says, no one is going to read this. But I don't care, I wanted to get it off my chest.

The NBA labor issues are not simply "millionaires arguing with billionaires".

If that's your perspective, I believe you're missing the point (while at the same time, and this is why I'm so confused: you're right on the money).
To me it's a little bit like arguing that the debate between the 99% and the 1% is one between:
"people with enough potable drinking water and people with even more potable drinking water."
(the same argument goes for the teachers union in Wisconsin)
In the grand scheme of things, we're all fairly lucky, and we're always luckier than someone else (except for that one poor bastard. I won't name names, but if you're reading this, I really hope things turn around eventually).

At the same time, there is some analytically currency to interpreting the issue as one between two groups of haves (something which many people have done in the case of Occupy Wall street). On some level it's true.
And of course, in regards to the NBA, the injustices are hardly as dire as cutting the pensions of already destitute teachers, but still:

If you let yourself get carried away with this line of "you're lucky with what you have" reasoning, you forget the lesser side still has a point, and by cynically ignoring it, you're not helping anyone.

What's interesting is that I care so much. These issues are so distant from me. I don't work for TNT, I'm not a ball boy and ever since I called David Stern at 4 a.m. and asked him if his refrigerator was running, I'm no longer an NBA player.

Sports has always been about projection. You like the players you can relate to, or maybe the ones you can't. You want to see the ones you like succeed and the ones you hate fail (or vice versa, if that's "your thing")

Look at people's reaction to the Heat, or fan favorite bench players, sports opinion very quickly extends beyond cold numbers and X's and O's.

It's always about the sport in relation to you. I.E. basketball is not watched in a vacuum, although most of us would probably pay to watch it PLAYED in a vacuum (for the novelty of it alone.)

When it comes to the labor lock out, I relate much more to the players than the owners. The owners had some very fair points about the plight of small market teams, but no one likes a bully.

How can you relate to a boss trying to control his employees? "we choose where you go", "we want more of your share" (editors note: they already work weekends! and Christmas! Their Bill Lumbergh meets Scrooge!... I kid)
And they used their influence to steam roll an agreement.

Within that context, they're us, with the establishment trying to bring them down. (of course, as I stated there were two sides to the coin, I know that).

That doesn't mean everyone gets a pass, or that things are fine the way they are, but things must be kept within context.

People always direct the blame at guys like Lebron, who "selfishly" continued the lock out, while concession stand managers stayed out of work.
A fair argument, on some level, but weren't the owners to blame for clearly employing a strategy of "lets sweat them out, we can wait longer than they can".

And why did everyone forget that the stars of the game, the ones who make the League relevant, are actually playing for under market value?

Why was everyone so flippant about NBA players doing whatever they could to ensure their livelihoods? In an era of job cuts and the like, why aren't we always rooting for the group trying to get a good deal from their elite bosses?

More importantly, why am I bringing this up now?

Because the NBA just vetoed the Chris Paul trade, which was really also the Pau Gasol trade, and for people like me it was Kevin Martins awesomely awkward jumper trade and Luis Scolas hair trade.

Just when it felt like things were returning to normal, the owners once again, reached behind the curtain and switched on the god machine.

This wasn't about if New Orleans got a fair deal, this was about those controversial opinions owners had about "unfairness"

Anyone who thinks the Lakers were the new defending champs probably share Dan Gilberts view that Lamar Odom and Pau Gasol are nothing more than contracts the Lakers managed to unload on some poor unsuspecting suckers.
(Editors note: Picture Pau Gasol sitting on the steps the Hall of Fame singing in a baritone: "I'm just a contract sitting here on, Springfield hill..." Ok, I'll stop)

Save for future trades, the Lakers would be leaning on Andrew Bynum's balsa wood legs (editors note: probably not a good idea to lean on them) for 82+ games. Chris Paul has had his fair share of injuries and Kobe's not getting any younger.

More importantly, I didn't appreciate the sentiment. That Paul shouldn't dictate where he gets to go.
The CBA has some new ideas (which I like) about how teams can offer a player more years and money than any potential suitor. A player now has to weigh his love of Broadway musicals against the possibility of having the largest backyard Jet Ski race track in Milwaukee.
If a player chooses to leave behind the extra cash and get in line for Wicked, more power to him, it's his choice, it's a free country, yada, yada, yada.

Institutional checks are now in place to even the playing field, but free will is always in play. It's not right for owners to take that away.

If Chris Paul refused to suit up for a team that traded for him, that would be a different story. That would be a player having too much power and not honoring his obligations. That's not the story here today though.
When Chris Pauls contract expires, he can go where he pleases (based on cap restrictions and the pros and cons)

New Orleans smartly traded him, to get some return before he walks out the door and never looks back.

Most people would agree discussing possible trades and free agency signings has become part of the entertainment itself, a new game, with winners, losers and constant surprises. Just like a smart player will pump fake another player to score, so will one GM outsmart another. Trades have widespread implications and are fodder for hours of discussion.

If the League wants to control every aspect of the game, right down to where a player chooses to sign a contract, (heck they already have essentially a monopoly) then the League starts becoming more and more something I hate. It becomes orchestrated, it becomes all drama and no substance, it becomes wrestling, with chair throwing probably remaining against the rules.

Then again, at the end of the day it's all just basketball, and we're all just cosmically insignificant specs of dust.

(and Brandon Roy may retire)

Thoughts on the NBA Finals, Lebron James, and the next season (if there is one....)

2011-06-14T10:20:00.000-07:00

So...... it's been a while. Since the last time Baby Hornacek and I wrote anything, the Miami Heat went from dysfunction to contending status to national laughingstock. Lebron James went from pariah to "best player alive" to an international criminal (or so it would seem). Hell, last time we wrote, Eddy Curry was thinking of a comeback, Dirk Nowitzki was still a slightly richer man's Drazen Petrovic, and Nate Robinson wasn't peeing in public. Yeah, it's been a while. As an apology for our break (Editor's note: and to my loved ones, overcoming meth wasn't easy), here's my thoughts on the season that has passed, the way it ended, He Who Must Not Be James-ed, and the upcoming season:

- First, congratulations to Dirk and the Mavericks. For a jump shooting team to get on that kind of run and battle back against tough defenses and more athletic, stronger competition is something that I thought I would never see. Here is who I am happy for, ranking style:

Dirk Nowitzki- Solidified his place as the best international player ever (I don't count Tim Duncan as an international.) an absolute joy to watch, one of those guys who makes "HOW DID THAT SHOT GO IN???" plays on a regular basis. What I think is the ultimate compliment: I am working hard to incorporate Dirk's moves into my own humble basketball arsenal. Everyone should be. One day, I'm going to at least show my kid Dirk Nowitzki tapes. He's just that good.

Jason Kidd: Always been a Kidd fan, especially when he rocked the baby blonde 'fro (Editor's note: Best basketball haircut of the past 25 years after everything that ever sprouted from Scot Pollard's head). One of the coolest captains on the court and I see him playing for a couple more years before entering Bibbyland. (Editors note: "We don't go there...that's the forbidden zone")

Bibbyland: Where youthful faces fool you

Mark Cuban: Until now, he was mostly known as a crazy owner billionaire who was just as into the game as his players (even more so sometimes). Also, for giving out ridiculous contracts to people like Erick Dampier. Now he's an NBA champion. Look for it to go to his head and for him to overpay a lot of the current Mavericks in order to "keep the team together". It just seems like something Cuban would do.

Brian Cardinal: Simply for the fact that my dad thought he was Zyldrunas Ilgauskas on THREE seperate occasions.

Jose Juan Barea: Has had one of the best years on record. From dating a Miss Universe to winning an NBA championship, he has arguably had the best 2011 of anyone. It's a toss-up between him and Rebecca Black. The worst? Everyone who had to listen to Rebecca Black. Another Barea note: He needs to stay in Dallas or else go to a team with a lot of jump shooters. Unless teams have to stay out on shooters, opening the lane for Barea's penetration, he will get exposed.

Peja Stojakovic: Forgotten winner in all of this. Experienced true hardship, going from Western Conference Finals, All-star games and on the brink of an NBA Finals to a forgotten player on the Hornets. Glad he got a ring.

Tyson Chandler: Simply because he successfully reversed the curse of being a big man drafted by the Bulls. It seems to have gotten Eddy Curry. Aaron Gray is still suffering. I'm counting Mike Sweetney, even though he was drafted by the Knicks, because it's always funny to bring up Mike Sweetney. Chris Mihm and Jake Voskuhl are in dark rooms somewhere, nodding their heads. Joakim Noah is working hard to escape its clutches.

Teehee

Ian Mahinmi (Not because he got some playing time and filled in admirably for a few minutes at a time. Not because he's a champion so young. Not even because he's French. The real reason I'm happy for him is that this NBA Finals finally settled a bet I had as to whether Mahinmi was black or white. I won!

Shawn Marion, Deshawn Stevenson, Jason Terry (I'm putting them all in the same category because although all three are major douches, they still fought hard for that ring. Marion also set up shop in Lebron James' head, probably by softly whispering "Siiiiiiidekiiiiick" every time down the floor).

Will Dallas be back next year? That is still up in the air to me. They have a lot of free agents they have to re-sign and a lot of moving pieces still. And considering they are owned by Mark Cuban, I wouldn't be surprised to see all of them get big contracts and have the Mavericks come back with basically the same team next year. Will they get on the kind of run they had this year, where they were basically unstoppable from the three point line, Dirk was on another level, and it sparked their whole offense? My gut tells me no. And my gut went to Harvard (Editor's note: where it was promptly beaten up by the Winklevoss twins).

- Yet while I have nothing but applause for the Mavericks, I have nothing but scorn for Heat haters and Cavaliers fans of all stripes. Let me be clear: I am a Heat fan. However, I try as hard as I can to be unbiased about my team.

Right now, it's the cool thing to hate Lebron James and the Heat. People I know who care little about sports in general have questioned why I am a Heat fan and have expressed their undying hatred of Lebron James. Apparently hating Lebron means you have to hate the Heat (despite Dwyane Wade's obvious professionalism, Chris Bosh's passion for the game (as evidenced by him breaking down in the hallway after the game) and the rest of the team's quite dignity in the face of unrelenting criticism).

I admit wholeheartedly that Lebron James and the rest of the Heat do stupid things sometimes. The Decision. The Welcome Party (Editor's note: Doesn't even compare to the welcome party we threw ourselves for writing two articles in one year!...twice as much meth, easily). Those two events are the ones most often referred to by Miami Heat critics as legitimate reasons to hate.

I won't delve deep into my own opinions of both of these events but let's be honest: Lebron James is not the devil. He is not evil. He is not a "cocks*cker" as I read in one article. He is an immature, 25 year old gifted with incredible physical gifts. He may use the nickname "King James" but it was given to him. We, the media, the fans, millions of hoopheads, brought up the name Jordan. WE want to compare him to greats and then get mad when he doesn't fulfill OUR expectations.

Lebron James shouldn't have to fulfill our dreams. He should work towards his own. Obviously his dream is an NBA championship and he took the steps he felt he needed to take to get there. Call it a cop-out. Try to delegitimize any future championship he may win. It won't matter because it will still be an NBA championship and he will still be a champion.

In terms of the Cleveland Cavaliers organization and its fans, from Cavs for Mavs to the Governor of Ohio, you all need to grow up and move on. What Lebron did was bad. He didn't make any real attempts to stay and instead left on national television. However, your hatred of him is over the top.

The only reason Cleveland fans get national coverage is because most of the country is still amused by their comical reactions to Lebron James' actions. Whether it's shots of patrons in a Cleveland bar crying when Lebron left or people cheering on the Heat to lose (they were not cheering for the Mavericks to win), the people of Cleveland, Cavaliers fans and the Cavaliers organization are only further showing their classless nature and forever tying themselves to Lebron James.

Next Mayor of Cleveland

It is a fine line between having a legitimate reason to be upset and clinging to past grievances. Move on and show that you can still be a home for great NBA talent.

- But what about Lebron James? Where does he go from here? Hopefully to the inside of a locked gym in downtown Miami with a 6 months supply of water and rations (Editor's note: Rations? So couple boxes of Cheezits and a couple bananas?). The success of the Heat into the future hinges on Lebron's ability to expand and evolve his game (as well as Dwyane Wade to do much the same).

But will Lebron do it? Call me crazy but I think these Finals and the amount of hatred he is receiving may finally wake him up. In 2007, when he made the Finals, no one expected him to win. The problem was not with Lebron James. It was his supporting cast, his opponent (a great Spurs team) and the simple fact he was still only 22 years old. From 2008 to 2010, it was the fault of his supporting cast and people not getting enough pieces around him. Now? He no longer has that excuse. While I wish the Heat would have won, adversity is always the greatest teacher. And I think it will teach Lebron James. Let's hope that he listens.

- For the Miami Heat as a whole, I think calls to break up the team are the silly, irresponsible overreactions from sports commentators who want to up their reads, make a name for themselves, or showcase their stupidity. This is year one. The Miami Heat made the NBA Finals. The NBA Finals. They outlasted teams, like Boston or Chicago, who many thought would wipe the floor with them. It is absolutely inconceivable that they would break up this nucleus now that it has experience and the ability to eventually win an NBA championship.

Are Dwyane Wade and Lebron James players with a similar skillset? Absolutely. However, they are also some of the best players in the league and I trust their abilities to adapt their games. In my opinion, what sunk the Miami Heat in the NBA Finals was the team's inability, stemming from Lebron James, to create a true coherent strategy on the offensive end in the middle of the biggest games of their careers.

Spoelstra and the coaching staff emphasized defense all year long and left the offense up to the general abilities of the talented Heat players. However, when the Mavericks were raining bombs on the other end, the Heat had no answer on offense and Lebron was out of touch. While Lebron did play below his average, it was result of his inability to find his niche in the offense. He was a facilitator. Then he was called on to be a scorer. Then a shooter. What sunk the Heat was that their old problems of chemistry surfaced at the worst possible time. Lebron James didn't know his role and that confusion spread throughout the rest of team. Is it something they can fix? Absolutely. They'll have to if they want to win.

In terms of improving their roster for the upcoming year, I think the Heat have a lot of work to do. My dream list for their acquisitions: Shane Battier, Grant Hill/Shannon Brown and Samuel Dalembert (Editor's note: I think you mean DALEMBEAST!). While everything is up in the air in terms of the new CBA and various other league-wide issues, I still think the Heat are in a great position to improve their team greatly next year. One major criticism of this team is that they spoke and flaunted before they won a single game. Now they have a full season and a deep playoff run under their belts. They can only get better.

- But enough of the Heat love. Here are my next season predictions and thoughts for some NBA teams that have caught my interest:

Dallas Mavericks: They'll be a contender next year but I am hesitant to say that they are the favorites to repeat. The run they had in the postseason, especially with hitting their 3 pt field goals, is something that will be incredibly hard to do again. The disease of more (i.e. players wanting more money and the team dealing with more expectations) is something that could definitely strike this team down. While Carlisle, Kidd and Nowitzki are certainly steadying hands, to me there's just too much uncertainty for the team. And opponents will see them coming this time.

Golden State Warriors: I like the hire of Mark Jackson even though he is my second favorite NBA announcer (after gliding and sliding, swishing and dishing Walt Frazier). As much as I like Monta Ellis, and love drafting him in fantasy basketball every year, he's somewhat expendable with Stephen Curry on the roster. Whether it is for Igoudala or someone else, the Warriors need to move Ellis and start thinking defense.

Chicago Bulls: Can we all agree now that Derrick Rose was overrated just a little bit? Just a little? He certainly deserved the MVP award for leading the Bulls to the best record in the East. But he is still a severely flawed player. I see Chicago going after J.R. Smith or Jamal Crawford. However, I don't know whether upgrading at shooting guard solves all of their problems. Chicago is a team full of one-way players, players who either play well on offense or defense but not both. While they do have players who can do both, like Luol Deng, they need to create a more cohesive team identity that emcompasses both ends of the floor.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Which way will this franchise go? Will they learn from the Lebron lesson and work harder to surround their best players with appreciable talent? They have the top two picks in this upcoming NBA draft but I am not sold on either of the players they are projected to choose. Kyrie Irving, to me, is incredibly overrated and judged on too small of a sample. While Enes Kanter has the chance to be a great player, I just think that the Cavaliers organization is riding high on players who have limited potential in the NBA. We will see. Lebron James may be persona non grata in Ohio but they need to be smart about drafting players who will replace him (Editor's note: Persona non grata? Look who's getting fancy!).

Allen Iverson: Deserves a shot somewhere. You're telling me a contender couldn't use a shot of energy and scoring off the bench for 15 minutes a game? Allen Iverson should be on an NBA roster next year.

Well I had a lot to say. There will be more posts to come! I promise! (Editor's note: Don't believe him.)

Wait......the season started?

2010-12-19T12:19:00.001-08:00

Hello faithful reader(s)!

Now I know we haven't posted anything in a while and we sincerely apologize. (Editor's note: A while? A WHILE?!?! I haven't had a job for 2 months! I had to wait tables and mop floors 16 hours a day just to sustain the extravagant lifestyle of a "blog editor" my family had grown used to)
Baby Hornacek and myself have been too busy with curing cancer and saving kittens that we neglected our great blog. We will absolutely remedy that in the only way we know how: personalized gift baskets! (Actually we're just planning on writing more so... y'know... enjoy).

Like Antoine Walker, we're coming back baby!!

(editors note: How did we ever leave?)

Let's start with some of Professor J's random, scattered thoughts about the still-somewhat-young NBA season! (editors note: while I try to convince the banks to not reposes my 16 story mansion in Connecticut)

- The real contenders for a championship: Los Angeles Lakers, Boston Celtics, Miami Heat. (editors note: it's a long shot but you can't leave out the "Anchorage Dark Horses")

Kobe: keep smiling for the camera, that's right, now listen to me. I'm going to rip your head off come April, got it? Now nod and smile.

- Teams I would consider contenders but just don't trust (and reasons for not trusting):
San Antonio Spurs: really hard not to put them in the contender area but I just see age, guard-heavy play, and reliance on young unproven players giving them trouble as the season moves on.

Chicago Bulls: No matter how many Chicago fans try to convince me otherwise, Derrick Rose is not the best young point guard in the league. Too few assists. Plus we have yet to see how all their moving parts will come together, although Boozer has been outstanding. (editors note: this just in! Boozer breaks his own face!)

Orlando Magic: The major trade shakeup just makes this team the incredible unknown. Plus I want to see Dwight keep up his serious attitude and offensive production for a little more of the season. (editors note, the Magic have reached a "we need a bigger boat" level of above average wing players)

Dallas Mavericks: Amazing thus far but a history of failing in the playoffs and choking at the worst times. Plus they are silently one of the oldest rosters in the league.

- And then there are the pretenders:

New York Knicks:
FOUR THINGS:
1. Can everyone please calm down about the Knicks? So they put a few games together and Amare had a great hot streak. They are not taking the championship this year. The media (aka ESPN) was showing its INCREDIBLE New York bias these last couple weeks and it has exploded in their face with the Knicks currently on a three game skid, including a loss to the lowly Cavaliers.

2. You cannot create a rivalry by just talking about it. That's not how it works. Let the Knicks and the Celtics actually PLAY some games first before you start hyping any matchup. Sure it was a great game but there's no real bad blood between these two teams (or between the franchises for that matter). You need bad blood for a rivalry. (editors note: just blood in general, everywhere.)

3. For any New York fan, stop trying to pretend that getting Amar'e was your "real" goal and that it turned out better for you than if you got Lebron. Please. No one believes you and you just sound like a jilted lover and no one likes a jilted lover. When a jilted lover makes out with the next person they see and professes everlasting love for that person, it just comes off as sad.
Also, I make it a rule not to listen or take seriously anyone who turns someones name into a psuedo-insult. Those "LeChicken" and "LeBum" headlines were immature and, honestly, just dumb.

"Jilted lover distraught hate poetry"

4. Lastly, why isn't Carmelo Anthony in New York already? (editors note: jilted lover orgy?) Does he have some last minute errands to do in Denver? Is his dry cleaning not ready until next Wednesday? Get the deal done! Sneaky underplot: I don't think Carmelo and Amar'e in NY wins a championship. Too little defense.

Let's give the Knicks some time because they definitely have some great pieces on there roster (including an emerging Raymond Felton, General Danilo Gallanari, and Landry Fields). Stop crowning them contenders.

Atlanta Hawks: A good playoff team but no where close to contender status. To me, there is just a funk that has settled over this team. A funk created by Josh Smith's immaturity, Joe Johnson's contract and just team-wide apathy. Can someone please save Al Horford?

Oklahoma City Thunder: That bandwagon sure cleared out fast. The only wagon I've ever seen more empty was during my last game of Oregon Trail (I don't stop for wussy diseases like cholera and diphteria). Kevin Durant is still scoring but takes a lot of shots to do so. However, James "Metapod" Harden has hardened, their bench is not performing and they are not meeting expectations. Is Jeff Green still alive?

James "metapod" Harden is evolving into a dependable role player!

New Orleans Hornets: Have come back to Earth after a scorching start. Trevor Ariza has disappeared (making it clear that he's not really a star but more of a championship glue guy) Emeka Okafor still can't put it all together and Chris Paul is still the best point guard in the Association.
Overall, another one of those good-not-great teams. (Editors note: unconfirmed rumors the Ankorage "Dark Horses" will make a trade deadline move for CP3)

- Surprises of the season:

Kevin Love, Michael Beasley and their traveling band of Minnesota misfits (Crazy stat lines but not many wins. Still fun to watch. Fantasy basketball gold!)

League-wide scoring bursts: 43 for Russell Westbrook! 44 for Michael Beasley! 52 for Juan Howard! 39 for Amar'e! (Only one of those isn't real)

Miami Heat: A surprise because of their resilience, swagger and the weird season so far: All the boasting, then a couple of losses, beat down any talk of mutiny and came back strong. Now they look like world beaters. Let's see if they can keep it up.

Reggie Evans: Please come back Reggie Evans! I love your ridiculous rebounding numbers and inappropriate butt slaps. (editors note: Reggie Evans knows how to slap a butt)

San Antonio Spurs: nice transition between relying on Tim Duncan to putting the ball in Ginobili's and Parker's hands. Can they keep it up? I say no. (editors note: if Rick Barry could play with a hair piece so can Manu)

- Interesting reason to keep somewhat interested in college basketball: there is no clear-cut best player in the country right now. For my money, the Cavs will be selecting Jared Sullinger first in the 2011 draft

-Speaking of the Cavaliers, they have no heart and are playing like a team without an identity. In essence, the team is a weird mash-up of "guys hired to play with Lebron", "guys that Byron Scott wanted", and "filler starring Joey Graham". (editors note: The Broadway musical opened to mixed reviews, crowds felt Graham didn't have the footwork for the dance numbers)

- Joe Smith will not help the Lakers as much as Laker fans like to think. Neither will Theo Ratliff. Lakers have a serious problem with lack of, surprise surprise, BIG MEN! Sure, Pau Gasol and Lamar Odom are standing tall and talented (although Pau is showing some signs of wear and Lamar will not keep up his great start). But after them? Andrew Bynum is still trying to work himself into shape and is an injury waiting to happen. Theo Ratliff is freaking old. Joe Smith is also really old. Please recognize this. (editors note: the answer is clear, Penny Hardaway)

- The Orlando Magic are now the great unknown. I do believe Gilbert Arenas will be rejuvenated and really become the professional scorer and playmaker he used to be. But who is their defensive stopper now? Jason Richardson? I see Jameer Nelson as the next to be traded (for a defensive-minded forward or a serviceable big guy). I will be attending a Magic game on December 23rd, when they play the Spurs, so look out for a live blog then!

- I think Drake has become the official hip-hop artist of the NBA. At least for the moment. Still won't replace Jock Jams for me.

- I think every NBA player has a twitter account now. Even Cole Aldrich has one. Cole "Corn" Aldrich.

Keep coming back for more! Also, look out for the live blog!

Lets talk about Kahn

2010-10-03T13:24:00.000-07:00

Lets talk about Kahn

With the NBA season now only days away, NBA columnists are busy hammering out power rankings, staring into crystal balls, traveling to oracles and consulting Ouija boards, all in an effort to figure out how this season is “gonna go down.”
One thing most NBA soothsayers seem to agree on is: “the the T-wolves are gonna suck and David Kahn is a big fat joke”. Most power rankings have the Twolves ranked 30 out of 30 (and sometimes 31st when the controversial expansion team the “Pennsylvania Mennonites” are included).

If their's one community who can build an NBA arena to Sterns standards...it's the Amish

Don’t lie, you agree. In a league with as many bad GMs as the amount of millions in Jerome James’ last contract the world has still deems Kahn the worst of the bunch.

I'm about to get paiddddd

I personally don’t understand why. Kahn aint perfect, but in a League where Billy King just got rehired I don’t think the bars been set very high. Yeah he traded away Al Jeff for peanuts, and didn’t land us Stephen Curry, but he has to be given credit for his smart choices as well.

Kahn stepped into the GM position inheriting a very crummy team. Not too much talent, a non existent bench and the handicap that no marquee free agent would ever sign with the T-wolves.
Seriously, the only way the Twolves were convincing Lebron to sign with them this summer was with a ton of chloroform, an unlicensed van and incriminating photographs of the Jordan Crawford dunk.
For Kahn to make some moves he was going to have to think outside the box a little. I’m not suggesting he’s the next Van Gogh a genius too ahead of his time, but I feel a lot of his moves have been misunderstood. (Although, if he cut his ear off...)
First off, I’m ok with Kahn tinkering becausse we weren’t exactly the Lakers before he stepped in. If all of Kahns move blow up in his face we are simply back where we started, in the lottery, cold, shivering and alone…

And without Ricky Davis...

So really, if there was a team to tinker with, it would be the Wolves because we really have nothing to lose. Secondly, he hasn’t burdened us with any bad contracts so even his most controversial experiments are low cost. No T-wolf makes more then 5 million a year, so if he fails miserably the transition will be painless. How many GMs in the NBA can say that? Given the tough financial times all around, Kahns fiscal responsibility should be commended.
As I mentioned earlier, not too many free agents were clamoring to sign with us. Kahn had to get creative to try and amass some young talent. For this reason I love the signing of Darko Milicic and the trade for Beasley.

They each bring a basketball to practice

Two former lottery picks snatched up for Brian Cardinal and 2nd round picks? Now that’s value. Even if both decide that their real passion in life is interprative dance and decide to never play basketball again, we picked these guys up for next to nothing.
Beasley has proven he can play in this League and all his quotes in the media have been very positive. I think he really wants to prove something in Minnesota. If he pans out I think everyone can agree he could be a beast in this League.
Darko is a little more controversial but as I’ve said a million times before what about Darko is so bustlike?
Is he too short? nope he’s a legit 7’1.
Are his hands too small like Kwame Brown? nope.

Curse these tiny hands...

Does he hurt us on D? Nope, he plays above average D and gets a couple blocks per game.
Is he untalented? Far from it! Every team he's been on has raved about his talent.
Does he not care about basketball like Tim Thomas? nope, as a matter of fact, if anything, he is a little too passionate about the game.

uh...yeah

Anyway, the only thing this guy has never gotten is a chance. We got two young guys that just need a chance to show what they’ve got and both have received a warm welcome from Kurt Rambis and David Kahn. If anyone is going to get any production out of these two guys it is going to be us. At least we can say that we gave them every opportunity to fulfill their potential.
You can give Kahn trouble for trading Ty Lawson, but you better flick your nose at all the GMs that neglected to draft him as well.
Along with the signings of guys like Pekovic and Luke Ridnour this team has really added depth, youth and talent. While we wont be winning a championship Kahn has taken some gambles and made some original moves to at least make us young and exciting. For the first time since the KG era we have something to look forward to, and that should count for something.
(check out the rest of our stuff at The Spherical Studies, be sure to check out The NBA apocalypse series, with some positive feedback we may do it again for this season)
Where my spambot homies at? Leave a comment guys.

Hey guys over here!

2010-10-02T12:55:00.000-07:00

Hey guys Spherical may be moving to a new home not sure yet how it's gonna work but for now here is the new post at this link. Please click and leave some comment love here, there anywhere.

http://hardcourtmayhem.com/sphericalstudies/?p=94

They traded WHO?

2010-08-13T10:57:00.000-07:00

Here's how I feel about the 4 team trade between the Nets, Pacers, Hornets and Rockets (not that anyone asked)

I don't like it. At least not for the Hornets.

Heres how it would go down if I was a Hornets fan and someone had just told me that the Hornets had participated in a 4 team trade (or participated in a "4 some" for you kinky golf fans out there):

A: "Hey Bob, (lets pretend my name is Bob) did you hear the Hornets were part of a '4 some'? (lets also pretend I'm a kinky golf fan)"

B: "Hmm a '4 some' you say? I guess we traded that Chris Paul fella. Ah well, I guess we had to do it. He wasn't going to stay with us anyway. We have no chance of winning a championship any time soon. Heck even if we built a solid team around him he wants to go to NYC to play with Amar'e and Carmelo. I mean, we can't top that! Ah well at least we have Darren Collison another great PG. Hmm I should check RealGM.com to see how this '4 some' went down."

A: "Knock yourself out tiger!"

Then while loading RealGM.com on my computer to read more about the trade I would sing more praise about Collison:
B: "Thank god for Darren Collison! He makes the loss of CP3 bearable."

Upon loading RealGM and reading the finer points of the trade I would probably blackout for a while regaining consciousness a few hours later to the sound of ambulances and police cars in a pool of blood with person B curled up in the corner crying.

Larry Bird is doing chest bumps with Danny Granger in a corn field somewhere.

4-some!

Just a little while ago, Chris Paul was adamant on leaving. I'm no insider but I highly doubt his conditions were: "Trade me or get me Trevor Ariza!"

Ariza is good, don't get me wrong I'm a fan but trading away Collison was a huge mistake and it is only understandable if Chris Paul decides to stay. I personally don't see why he would.

If I'm Chris Paul one foot is already out the door. Lebron already put the idea in my head when he told me I should force a trade and then he made it ok for superstars to team up when he joined Wade and Bosh in Miami. Plus I'm a PG, no one is going to judge me if I join Carmelo and Amar'e in New York. Is the addition of Ariza going to really make me forget all about those dreams?

I'm just going out on a limb here but the addition of Ariza will probably not lead to a championship in Nawlins.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this but Lebron changed the rules of the game. His "Decision" has necessitated change. He may not have made it "ok" for superstars to join forces and stockpile talent like canned food before a nuclear war but he certainly made it a necessity. With LBJ, Bosh and Wade in Miami it's now "sink or swim", join your friends and fight back, or perish in the early playoff rounds.
You can't tell me guys like Melo and CP can go back to there normal everyday lives after fantasizing about joining forces and taking on the world.

I don't necessarily mind. Having an Oligarchy wont be so bad. All the best talent in a few pleasant cities will suck for most, but will make for some exciting playoff battles.

An "Amare, Melo, Chris Paul" squad would lead to an awesome Heat/Knicks rivalry for years to come.

Moving on:

The Nets finally got someone who can hit 3's, play either big man position and guest star on "The Jersey Shore"

Oh, Troy...what happened?

No idea what the show is about but I would definitely watch Troy Murphy and Snooki go at it in a hot tub. If only to see how they reconcile the height difference.

And if they had kids...

I would poke fun at the Rockets but Daryl Morey always calculates his moves on a comically over sized abacus so I'm sure it makes perfect sense. He also throws it at people. It hurts.

Seriously I've never seen the show, is this what it's like?

Lebron James is not Jesus

2010-07-13T06:16:00.000-07:00

So you're a Cleveland Cavaliers fan, weeping and burning jerseys, as you realize you lost yet another chance at a championship (Editor's note: This probably stings more than the franchise givng $70 million to Larry Hughes right? It's a toss up). Meanwhile, Lebron James is in South Beach getting fanned with palm leaves by Cuban-American models.

And you wonder why he left?

Now first things first, let me establish that I will not be a fan of the Miami Heat in this coming season (Editor's note: Be assured Professor J will continue his team-wide man crush).

You may think it's because I have principles and morals. However, I'm afraid it's never that simple, not with me. Yes, I won't support them in part because I wish Lebron James had went to his own team and dominated. It's not really because of that.

The real reason is because I have a thing for "conflicted and brooding" teams. I'm like that girl who always picks the wrong guy, goes for the bad boy type and then ends up getting hurt (Editor's note: God, that is so me).

Dikembe would never stand for that analogy, not in his house.

Take that girl and make it a sports fan and that's me. I'm a fan of Darko Milicic and the Minnesota Timberwolves. It's pretty obvious I don't go for the right kind of team. (Editor's note: KAHNNNNNNNNNNNN!)

Moving on, I understand what Cavaliers fans are going through. By that I mean, I understand in the way people back stateside understood what Vietnam vets went through. Meaning: I can nod empathetically and really have no idea. (Editor's note: aka the ESPN Talking Head Way)

When KG left Minnesota, I was happy for him and happy for us. He was an amazing player but honestly, I derived no pleasure from watching KG waste his prime years on mediocre Wolves teams (Editor's note: Are you dissing Sprewell? Don't diss Sprewell). When he was traded to the Celtics, I was glad. It was time for him to move on.

Cavs fans must feel like Marko Jaric if he lost Adriana Lima. Devastated. (Editor's note: LOOK AT THE EYES)

Get a prenup! (Editor's note: One that guarantees a model of half-hotness as a bounce back girl)

I read a lot of what Cavaliers fans said in reaction to Lebron's departure (Editor's note: and Cavaliers beat writers. Here's looking at you Windhorst). I also read what owner Dan Gilbert wrote about James as well. All I can say is....yikes. They're heart wrenching but lets try and keep the statements in perspective. A lot of them went something like this:

"I'm hurt and angry. I can't believe Lebron left! We treated him like a King and for what? We gave him everything and he left us!!! We're the victims here! AHHH The SHOT BY JORDAN! EHLO! EHLOOOO!!!!".

I empathize with this perspective but I also understand that it is a skewed perception of reality. The Cavaliers truly were a monarchy. The team was Lebron and not much else. (Editor's note: I think somebody is forgetting about Drew "Monster Mash" Gooden!!)

Things never even got this good till LBJ's last year...THINK ABOUT IT!

Allow me to take you back to the glorious yea of 2004 (Editor's note: with a Red Bull in my hand and Petey Pablo on the radio). You've had LBJ for one year now, it's quite clear he's mind numbingly good and you could win copious rings with him. It's now time to start drafting smart and building a Thunder-esque team around him (they didn't exist yet but the fact that they are the example to follow shows that the Cavs fucked up badly). It shouldn't be TOO hard. After all you have Lebron freaking James. LBJ could lead the cast of "Glee" to the Finals if he really felt like it.

We each have 6 fouls to give Lebron!(Editor's note: They also wouldn't.... stop...BELIEVINGGGGG)

Just grab a good young player to pair with Lebron. Someone Lebron can grow old with. He doesn't even have to be amazing, just someone young who can contribute. 2004 was a good year for this. This draft wasn't weak.

Alright Cavs, you're on the clock, time to make a choice. At your spot you can draft the following players (In the order, they were drafted following the Cavs pick): Andris Biedrins, Al Jefferson, Josh Smith, J.R. Smith, Jameer Nelson, Delonte West, Tony Allen, Kevin Martin, Sasha Vujacic, Beno Udrih, Trevor Ariza and Vassilis Spanoulis. (Editor's note: I couldn't believe this and had to Wikipedia it. And it's all true. Funniest part of the 2004 draft? The Timberwolves forfieted the 30th pick because of salary cap violations. Sorry, BH...)

Oh yeah and Luke Jackson. Luke Jackson's available also (Editor's note: I think you mean potential All-star Luke Jackson). I mean, I guess you can go with Luke if you really want to....I mean look it's your team. But there's a lot of other good players in this draft. Are you sure? Alright. Luke Jackson it is.

So, Luke Jackson is off the board ladies and gentlemen.

Luke....I am your teammate

Luke Jackson is actually a pretty sick basketball player so don't think I'm bashing the guy. He was a beast in college.

Who knows, maybe he was great in workouts and practice (Editor's note: I hear he makes a mean tuna fish casserole). Doesn't matter, the Cavs fucked up. They screwed over Lebron. It's human to draft the wrong guy (especially in the NBA) but it seems people conveniently forgot about ol' Luke when Lebron left. If you had drafted Al Jeff, or paired Lebron with Josh Smith maybe Lebron never leaves (Editor's note: if I could go back in time, I'd make them draft Sasha. That's a reality TV show).

Lets move on. After all, there's more to life than the draft.

(I'm going to gloss over Larry Hughes because I don't think anyone could have foreseen that, Cavs get a pass there)(Editor's note: Larry gets off the hook again)

Guys it's really not that hard...just jump and dunk the ball in...here I'll show you how

The Cavaliers went on to fill up their roster with guys like Jerome Moiso, the immortal Ira Newble, Jeff Mcinnis and Robert Traylor. That feeling in your stomach? It's called being unimpressed.

Let's fast-forward to the NBA Finals team from 2007. I remember this team. The 2nd highest scorer on the team was Big Z, with 12.6 ppg. I think it's safe to say Lebron carried that team. (Editor's note: Carried. Fed. Clothed. Housed. Breathed Life into)

Essentially, Cavaliers teams from back in the day were filled with guys like Donyell "Sleepy Dog" Marshall. Players either past their prime or just not that good (Editor's note: Here's looking at you Boobie Gibson). It was frustrating to watch because you knew Lebron could be THAT much better with even an average supporting cast.

This changed in the last couple of years, I'm getting to that.

I'm open!

The Cavs drafted JJ Hickson, a really smart move in my opinion, signed Shaq, traded for Antawn Jamison, Mo Williams etc.

In the words of Chris Rock, "WHAT DO YOU WANT A FREAKING COOKIE? THAT'S WHAT YOU SUPPOSED TO DO!"

Just like you're supposed to take care of your kids, you're supposed to trade for good players when you have Lebron James. Sorry to break it to you though Cleveland fans but the team was never that good.

Lebron James pushed those teams as far as they could go. They were built around him to fit his needs. If he wasn't amazing, they went nowhere.

Lebron had nothing resembling a Pippen. Heck, he had nothing resembling a Chauncey Billups. A guy to take some big shots and take some pressure off him at the end of games. He had nothing resembling a budding player who was even half as great as him.

Lebron wasn't taking any chances this free agency period. He knows what it's like to have nothing so he went to a "sure thing". I can respect that.

He doesn't want to be let down by his supporting cast ever again.

Staying in Cleveland is not my cup of tea, lads (Editor's note: So kiss my bloody black arse! Cheerio!).

Maybe he shouldn't have had a one hour special to announce his move. Lebron made his share of mistakes with that. But maybe the Cavaliers shouldn't have squandered the last 7 years of Lebron's career. The sooner the Cavs can admit culpability, the sooner the healing can begin. Learn from this so the next time your savior arrives you don't chase him out of town (Editor's note: His name is Christian Eyenga).

An NBA Apocalypse: Offseason Blues

2010-06-24T15:04:00.000-07:00

(Editor's note: This is our fourth in a series that will delve into an alternate NBA reality. The apocalypse has struck and our worst nightmares have come to life. Zombies, vampires and worse roam the earth and terrorize the population. Many countries have been dissolved and cities razed to the ground. Yet basketball and the NBA live on. However, the game and its premier league have been irreparably stained and twisted by this event that destroyed much of life as we know it. This alternate NBA reality can only be properly chronicled through the eyes of the men who play the game, in a series we are calling "An NBA Apocalypse")

"These days, 'Golden State' ain't that golden," quipped Golden State sports reporter Richard Lieberman as he wrapped up what would ultimately be his final broadcast for KTRB radio. With a cigarette dangling from his mouth, a microphone at his lips and a broken leg, Richard Lieberman had been broadcasting for the past 18 hours nonstop on the roof of the radio station, narrating to his viewers about the attack on the Bay area.

"I gotta tell you, Billy. I don't see good things for the Raiders next season. I just had to fend off a bloated and raving JaMarcus Russell just to get in my car and get here!" he said, determined to answer as many sports questions as he could (while also providing a gritty narrative about the latest zombie invasion. He was a radio man, sure, but a sports journalist at heart).

"He'd been bitten...he was lying earlier at the press conference when he said he was fine. He almost bit my arm off! If I'm the GM, I see which players survive through the night and then rely on the draft to replace the casualties...Thanks for calling." A sports journalist to the bitter end dammit.

"I'm afraid I may not be able to broadcast much longer..." he whispered into the microphone, counting his remaining shotgun shells as the cheap metal door that stood between him and the undead began to give way. As the zombies crashed through his barricades, he mercifully switch off his microphone, sparing terrified listeners the horror of hearing the sounds of his undoubtedly gruesome death at the hands of the swarm.

"These days, 'Golden State' ain't that fuckin' golden..." Lieberman repeated. This was followed by a single shot, and then...silence. His last iconic line summed it all up perfectly and resonated throughout the West Coast.

That had been some time ago and Oakland had only gotten worse.

An old pickup truck sputtered its way to what was once the Oakland Mall. Chris Hunter's 6'11 frame comically bounced up and down on every bump in the road. He had already been selected by Warriors GM Larry Riley from the D-League.

A big crowd had formed outside the former mall. Mostly anxious players hoping to be picked. Larry Riley stuck his head from the drivers seat window.

"I'm looking for rebounding, 10 days for rebounding," Riley announced.

Anthony Tolliver stepped forward: "I can rebound, I'll do it for a 10 day."

"Score? Can you score?" Riley responded, making a shooting motion with his arms (in case Tolliver didn't speak English).

Tolliver nodded

Larry Riley pointed his thumb to the tailgate where Chris Hunter was sitting.

"Get on fast," he yelled.

Back at the Oracle, Anthony Randolph stared at his Blackberry anxiously. Chris Cohan had told him he wouldn't be traded. He prayed that was an empty threat.

"Nellieball" had become too hard to cope with. Coach Don Nelson had never recovered psychologically from the apocalypse and had turned to alcoholism to cope with the nightmares.

It was an always unpredictable basketball system that was now chaotic beyond belief. During games, he would at times play five centers at once or 4 point guards and a chair. His plays were too complicated to follow and many times involved 4 players ending up out of bounds and the remaining player shooting a 3. It was madness.

Nelson's coaching demeanor had gotten worse as well. He would talk to himself, yell angrily at random players and frequently drink scotch straight from the bottle. Wielding playing time like an ex-wife might use dirty photos from Cancun '98 at a divorce trial, players never knew if they were going to play, rotation was decided based on astrology.

Nelson believed that the NBA was sending hit men to assassinate him and would hold practice at erratic times to elude them. He would also routinely wave a fully loaded revolver around during practice, firing it into the air when players made mistakes.

Don Nelson, a once brilliant coach, seemed to have lost his mind. Yet who could really blame him? He was just a basketball coach in a broken city that was quickly sinking into the Pacific. Beyond simply dealing with the demons that crawled out of potholes throughout the city, Nelson had personal demons as well.

Anthony Randolph, despite showing large amounts of promise, had been benched after Nelson became convinced that Randolph was plotting to poison his food. Even the frozen tundra of What Used To Be Minnesota would be a welcome change.

Randolph pressed his head against the wall of the locker room. He closed his eyes, he was trapped. He remembered the good old days back in Louisiana, when all he had to deal with was alligators and Cajun spirits.

"Why can't I escape?" thought Randolph, pounding his fists against his head. "Corey got out! I mean sure he's in Milwaukee but at least he's safe! And he's Bad Porn! At least I'm a trade asset!"

Randolph sat pondering his role in the free agent bonanza to come for a while longer. Eventually resigned to his fate he began to put on his practice uniform and prepare for another 3 am practice. Suddenly Stephen Curry bounced into the locker room, colliding with walls and ricocheting off lockers.

"Damn man watch out!" yelled Randolph. He was getting tired of playing with hyperactive young guards that had been genetically crossed with superballs.

"Sorry man can't help it!!" boinged Curry, "You know how me and Monta are!"

"Yeah..yeah.. I know..." conceded Randolph.

As he watched Curry ricochet off the walls and leave dents in lockers, he knew that he wasn't the future of this franchise. The Warriors seemed eager to keep him but they didn't value him nearly as much as they did Curry.

Curry bounced by him and into the locker room bathrooms, sending toilet paper and soap dispensers flying over Randolph.

Randolph's head dropped to the ground. He had to get out of here....

That same thought crossed Chris Bosh's mind a week earlier. Sure, he was in a nice suit. The chair was comfortable. But he was tired of the hype. He was tired of answering questions on Sportscenter. He was putting himself in the center of the free agent hurricane.

"So, excited about these next few weeks?" asked John Buccigross, "I mean about all the possibilities and maybe playing with Wade and James?? Summer 2010?!?"

"Yeah... sure... I just want to find a good situation..." It was always the same bullshit. The same dumb questions over and over. He couldn't wait for this whole period to be over. He was an All-Star dammit! He didn't need this.

But then again he didn't really want to get back to Toronto right away. Outside the Air Canada Center, G20 protesters raged, all angry fans fed up with the world's zombie extermination plan. After violent clashes with police officers, the Canadian police state clamped down hard.

Finally off the set, Bosh checked his phone messages. The first couple were from Stephen Harper, offering him the province of Quebec if he stayed in Canada. The last one was from an Ohio area code.

"Ohio? What's this about?" thought Bosh as the message began to play.

"Semper Rotundus my old friend...."

A chill of excitement ran down Bosh's spine. This was it. The summit.

The offseason had truly begun....

An NBA Apocalypse: The Wait

2010-06-16T11:33:00.000-07:00

(Editor's note: This is our third in a series that will delve into an alternate NBA reality. The apocalypse has struck and our worst nightmares have come to life. Zombies, vampires and worse roam the earth and terrorize the population. Many countries have been dissolved and cities razed to the ground. Yet basketball and the NBA live on. However, the game and its premier league have been irreparably stained and twisted by this event that destroyed much of life as we know it. This alternate NBA reality can only be properly chronicled through the eyes of the men who play the game, in a series we are calling "An NBA Apocalypse")

Each time Dwyane Wade sat down, it got harder to stand up. After each grueling game, he lay in agony and swore he would take more jumpers. He knew the risks, he saw what had happened to Allen Iverson. There were limits, even for men like him. But he couldn't worry about that right now though.

Wade's leg muscles tensed as he rapidly changed direction, bouncing the ball to his left hand. The entire Celtics defense responded by shifting in his direction like a sail in the wind. Dwyane crossed over again, trying to find an opening but the defense responded in kind. It was a futile dance that they had done many times. The Celtics were a tough first-round matchup. People were saying they were washed up, but they were showing signs of life.

It was if he was playing 1 on 5, the entire defense was geared towards stopping him. One of his teammates would have to step up. As he mentally went over his options, a prickling sensation shot down his spine. He knew the feeling. One of his teammates had "shown up".

Dwyane closed his eyes and threw the ball. As it sailed through the air, it seemed to be aimed right at a wide open Kendrick Perkins, who couldn't believe his luck. Suddenly, to the surprise of the crowd and the Celtics, the ball stopped in mid air a few feet in front of Perkins outstretched arms.

As Perkins, in his trademark leather, goon outfit, watched in awe, the ball bobbled around for a moment before sailing over his head and into the basket.

"Finally.." Wade exhaled.

As far as spirits went, Jermaine O'Neal was one of the best. It was a gamble to trade Shawn Marion for a man who had died on the operating table during micro fracture surgery but the move had paid off. While he would never be as good as he had been when living, he was by far one of the most approachable and communicative spirits in the League.

Others were not as lucky as Wade and the Heat organization. Mike D'antoni was forced to spend 15 nights in a cave surrounded by hundreds of lit candles just to attempt to make contact with the restless soul of Eddy Curry. Even that and all the days he spent consulting a Ouiji board were met with only limited success, as Curry never really made contact.

"2 points, nothing more nothing less," thought Wade.

It was almost sad that the only way the Heat seemed able to score was through the single handed superhuman exploits of Dwayne Wade or the aid of the supernatural. Beasley and Chalmers were becoming more transparent by the day. Beasley in particular seemed out of sorts and hollow. Sometimes Wade ran right through them on fast breaks. A very unsettling sensation.

Suddenly, Dwyane wasn't sprinting down the basketball court. Nor was he in a stadium of any kind. He was in an open field in the middle of the night. Rain was pouring down on him heavily. He was all alone, no one to help him. Thunder screamed outside of his door, Dwayne Wade woke up bellowing with sweat pouring down his face.

It was only a nightmare, a memory of the Heat being demolished in the playoffs. He looked at his clock. 10 am. He was late for his meeting....

A couple thousand miles away, a different player was remembering a quickly passing season. It wasn't every day a man found himself 30,000 feet underwater listening to "Lets Get Ready to Rumble" from Jock Jams Volume 1. Tiny speakers built into an oxygen mask that covered his entire head could explain the latter, but the former was a little more perplexing.

For a man like Kobe Bryant, it was all just part of the game.

Clad in a purple and gold wetsuit and a pair of waterproof Hyperdunks with weights sown in, Kobe Bryant meditated in the deep sea submarine, "The Stapler." When the sub had reached 30,000 feet below sea level, tiny slats in the wall had opened up, allowing water to pour in and fill the submarines court sized hull. If he could hit 500 jumpers and complete an array of drills this deep below sea level, he would be done for the day.

He had survived The Boy Made of Plastic and his nature loving ways, the Mormon Paladins, and the fleet footed Sasquatch obsessed with creating star players.

Now approaching game 7 versus the Celtics, Kobe felt idle lying in bed for entire nights. He could not lose to them again. His teammates were ready and the fans were going to be armed with vuvuzelas, some of them rigged to actually shoot bees. In terms of his legacy and finally escaping The Goat's shadow, it was now or never. And he knew it. With the weight of the world and 30,000 feet of water pressing down on him, Bryant stared at the underwater hoop and mouthed the words "game time" before firing a jumper...

Across the country, Lebron was glad for the opportunity to be alone and think. He was out of the playoffs, much to his chagrin, but his influence on basketball was still formidable.

Lebron James didn't actually need space, he was comfortable around everyone. Much like defenders that were too small or too slow, attention and pressure just bounced off him. Reporters' questions were calmly answered while attempting complex yoga moves, including one involving standing on his hands and bending both his legs behind his shoulders. Lebron was always comfortable.

Regardless, it was rare that he was this isolated from the world and he would make the most of it to make a huge decision. "Where would he go to play? Chicago? New York? Miami? Would he stay in Cleveland?"

Clad in a fine Armani suit, Lebron casually leaned back in his seat. Always comfortable, despite the mystique of his surroundings. Lebron was quite familiar with this place, somewhere most men did not even know existed.

Lebron sat at the head of a long oak table within the underground catacombs of the Basketball Hall of Fame. The NBA logo had been majestically carved into the tables center. Beneath the logo, the latin phrase: "Semper Rotundus" had been painted in gold. "Always round."

It was a phrase Lebron knew quite well. Stern had whispered it in his ear as he shook his hand the day he was drafted. Shortly afterwards, he would find out all about it.

This table had seen secret meetings that were attended by the most important men in basketball. Meetings ran by the always omnipotent Stern that determined the future of the NBA. Before he even realized it, Lebron had been sucked into the secret NBA society that controlled the League.

Some thought he was a member of the Masons. Such a society could not even compare. Unlike other men his age, it never phased him, that's what made him so special. He could handle the expectations and the hype. He was the ideal player to be the face of the League.

Yet Lebron still remembered the peyote-filled nights he had spent with Darius Miles and Ricky Davis early in his career. A lot had changed since those innocent times. Those men had to be moved and ultimately forgotten. They were not part of the regal plans the League had for Lebron. Expectations had grown, and with them, so had his mythos.

Right now, he was waiting for Bosh and Wade, his old friends, to arrive. The cult-like relationship of the Olympic brethren was strong after capturing the gold medal in Beijing united them. For a long time, they had toyed with the idea of joining forces. Now it was time to meet and discuss the possibilities and the ramifications.

They knew the results would be cataclysmic and unleash a new reign of terror upon the League. They were not evil, but the results would bring widespread suffering nonetheless.

Were they doing what was best for the League? That would be for Stern to decide.

The heavy oak door to the chamber opened and Dwayne wheeled himself in.

"Semper Rotundus," he said.

Lebron stood up and smiled.

"Semper Rotundus, old friend."

The Curse of the Maverick.

2010-06-05T22:48:00.000-07:00

As always with the Mavericks...close but no cigar (Editor's note: I think that's the wittiest thing we've ever said on here...) Tom Cruise has foresaken you all...

Well... The playoffs are WELL underway (we have unconfirmed reports that the Finals have begun) and Phil Jackson's purple and gold legionnaires are still fighting off the vandals that wish to sack Rome. (If any NBA city was Rome, would it not be the backstabbing and indulgent town of Hollywood?). (Editor's note: Directed by Ridley Scott). For those who claim Phil Jackson is just a coach who rides the coattails of his stars to fame and glory...well... I have a custard pie I'd like your face to inspect.

Don't take my word for it. Watch these videos and tell me if you don't feel he is a personality in his own right on par with Jack Nicholson.

Phil has conveyed a desire for big men to play like big men a la like "the good old days". With a simple wrist movement, he has undermined Andrew Bynums entire career and emasculated a 7 footer (Editor's note: masculinity he tried to regain by spending every moment of the offseason at the Playboy Mansion). Nicely done (Editor's note: Phil is right. Bynum has more arm movements than an MLB manager trying to conduct an orchestra... a baseball orchestra). We know from old school stories of Phil Jackson "purring" around Kwame Brown that Phil tries EVERYTHING to reach his big men. Sometimes you gotta mess with their heads. You know who else can relate to the frustrations of coaching big men?

That's right.

A ring bearer calling out an impostor, a surprising display of emotion. (Editor's note: Man courtside seats must be great). Is it really THAT different from this?

Quick thinking, Phil Jackson=Johnny Smooth (Editor's note: I made a similar move when Samantha Larson dodged my hasty kiss during recess behind the swings in 5th grade. Kobe is Phil's Samantha Larson. New nickname?) (Back at editor's note...yes). Phil Jackson knows how to coach a team, and I mean maybe it's just me but:

Phil Jackson will not let you embarrass him. You will NOT steal his balloons on national television! He was simply "knuckling" his face.

Phil Jackson can coach. He gets through to players and massages egos. 'Nuff said.

One final thing (and by the way this is my honest opinion I'm not just trying to cause a ruckus, although I have been known to bring some on occasion).

"Dwyane Wade and Kobe should never be on the same All-NBA team."

They are the two best Shooting Guards in the League. The All-NBA 1st team should have one shooting guard. Yes, Flash and Kobe are both transcendent talents, but we need to pick one.

It may sound crazy but please put down the machetes (if only for a minute) for I have a reason (Editor's note: Baby Hornacek was making this point in the steamy jungle of Western Brazil).

The NBA is based on winning and losing, there is always one winner and one loser. If there is a tie, we go into overtime, and if there is still a tie, another overtime. In theory, there could be 1 billion overtimes (in theory) to decide a preseason game. This sends the steely message that "we can wait all day mother fuckers, one of you is going to lose". We never go "gee these teams are both so good...you both win!".

No, sports are gut wrenching, only one team gets the championship, even if another team was really good and was so close (Editor's note: Hello Celtics!!). So why is it true that in All-star games and All-NBA teams we say "God, we can't decide which one of you two is better so lets just put both of you together!" Isn't that in direct contradiction to the competitiveness on the NBA? The All-NBA team should recognize the best player at each position. Yes, some amazing players will be relegated but that is the nature of the game (Editor's note: Adam Morrison agrees). It is the understanding that there can "only be one".

It's essentially the "All-Highlander team"

The absolute best from each position should be recognized. I feel like the All-NBA teams should tell us "this is the best play at his position in the NBA." The second best one? He's on the 2nd team.

Dwyane Wade and Kobe Bryant are 2 of the top 3 best players in the world, but are either of them one of the better power forwards in the League? No. Heck, when discussing Power forwards, I never hear Kobe's name (Kobe is now fuming and plotting).

<

Yes, both players, in theory, could beast at multiple positions. And yes, positions matter less now, than in those good old days when milk was a nickle, Centers crashed the boards and nobody shot 3's (Editor's note: The Mikan Age).

Yet while Steve Nash is not as good as Dwade, Steve Nash is a much better point guard than Dwade. I want Steve Nash as my point guard over Dwade on the All-NBA team. Lets show the positions some respect.

The NBA is not a summer camp league. We all don't all win awards for trying our best. "There can only be one". This is the mantra.

The downside? One of the top 3 players in the world doesn't make the top 5. But would this really be such a bad thing? Let us say that Kobe makes the All-NBA 1st team, mired in controversy. Well Dwade gets a chip on the old shoulder and probably goes on a tear. They probably compete over it and it probably starts actually mattering who the better shooting guard is.

How does the fan suffer here? It makes things all the more interesting and makes the All-NBA team that much more special. You can say HE was the best shooting guard of that year, HE was the best point guard.

Besides as Jack would say:

An NBA Apocalypse: Bloodlust in Beantown

2010-05-06T22:57:00.000-07:00

(Editor's note: This is our second in a series that will delve into an alternate NBA reality. The apocalypse has struck and our worst nightmares have come to life. Zombies, vampires and worse roam the earth and terrorize the population. Many countries have been dissolved and cities razed to the ground. Yet basketball and the NBA live on. However, the game and its premier league have been irreparably stained and twisted by this event that destroyed much of life as we know it. This alternate NBA reality can only be properly chronicled through the eyes of the men who play the game, in a series we are calling "An NBA Apocalypse")

Rajon Rondo always felt uncomfortable in the team assembly room. It was a cold, metallic room filled with the latest in unnatural and unethical medical technology smuggled in from China leaving little reason anyone should feel comfortable. In the middle of the room were 3 massive tanks lying side by side, each well over 7 feet long and 10 feet deep.

Rondo walked up to the closest tank, which was labeled "Garnett" but stood empty. Each tank was built custom for one of the Big 3 and was the only thing that kept them alive. Other rooms in the same complex held the bodies of Bill Russell, Bob Cousy, Larry Bird, Kevin McHale and, perplexingly, Walter McCarty (for reasons Danny Ainge refused to explain).

Located in the basement of the TD Garden and situated behind two doors, one cleverly labeled "Switchboard operating room" and then another emblazoned with "Kareem Abdul Jabbar's Shrine" in purple and gold lettering, this room was not meant to be found.

However, there was little reason for so much precaution. Boston was not only crazy about its Celtics but also crazy about everything else once the brain-eating microbes had entered the water supply. It was doubtful the secret would ever get out. The apocalyptic levels of snow only helped isolate Boston from the rest of the Eastern seaboard and gave home court advantage an entirely new meaning. Road trips to Boston meant going 12 rounds in a heavyweight fight with Mother Nature just to make it to the arena.

Having the regenerative powers of a werewolf, Rondo didn't have to be back here. One day he would have his own tank, but he tried not to think about that. He convinced himself he was back here for some form of team unity. He'd been with the team for a while now but still would get creeped out by the team unity created by Ubuntu, the team's official African shaman.

Rondo peered into the next tank. As he leaned over, the tanks metalic doors parted and the limp body of Paul Pierce, clad in his Celtics uniform slowly rose from the tank on an elevating metal platform. The medical team swarmed his body injecting him with massive syringes filled with formula G. Slowly, Pierce began to open his eyes.

"Celtics legends are immortal!" Rondo gasped in awe. It never ceased to amaze him.

Pierce sighed. If only he knew. It wasn't immortality keeping him, Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen alive and playing. It was these damn vats of Formula G and the daily assemblage and break down of his parts that were keeping them going. Pierce thought back to the early 2000s, when he actually a man, real flesh and blood, and didn't have to go through these horrific procedures. His team was worse, but his life was that much sweeter.

"Damn apocalypse," Pierce muttered to himself.

"You say something?" Rondo growled. He was beginning to transform, as hair slowly began to cover his body.

"Nothing man, just reminiscing about my lost humanity," Pierce replied sadly. Sure, he didn't feel any physical pain anymore. But somehow his mechanical heart still beat with neverending sorrow. Looking down, he quickly forgot all about that.

"WHERE THE HELL IS MY DAMN LEFT HAND?!" Pierce roared as his eyes turned red with rage.

The medical team quivered in fear. Ed Lacerte, head scientist, thought feverishly, "We checked everything off the list...didn't we?"

His torso was connected together first. Lacerte knew that. The correct skin color had to be painted on as his parts were bleached by the formaldehyde in the storage containers. Next was his head, with balding cap attached to hide the wires and any protruding metal. Then came his legs. After the legs, the arms. Then the smaller appendages.

Still, he couldn't believe they had forgotten to attach Pierce's hand. Without it, he couldn't take full advantage of his game, taunt the opponents successfully or help fend off the colony of mutated termites that would have to be cleared off the court before the game began.

"We'll fix it, Paul!" Lacerte said shaking, hoping to appease him. "We've got 40 minutes till tip off...that's more than enough time."

"It better be," snarled Pierce.

Lacerte and the rest of the lab team ran from the room, searching for any extra Formula G they could use.

"Speaking of tip off, I'd better go and get out on the court," Rondo barked through rapidly growing teeth. "You know I'm not good back in these tiny corridors once I turn."

"Yeah, yeah I'll catch up with you," Pierce responded. He had to load his program and prepare mentally. Playing The Centaur tonight. You never knew what was going to happen.

Behind them another tank opened and Ray Allen emerged, firing a toy basketball into a small goal on the tank's edge. As a graduate from MIT and former mathematician Ray Allen's shot was very carefully calculated. Routine kept him fresh.

"What'd I miss?" asked Allen, his arms moving in a constant shooting motion, throwing in invisible swishes one after another.

Pierce chuckled. "Let's just get ready for this game...hey, where's Kevin? Already in his jacket??"

"Yes, thank god..." murmured a lab technician.

"Good..." Pierce muttered as his thoughts turned to the game. It was going to be one long night.

Two hours later and the Garden was packed. The fans were bloodthirsty and clamoring for a sweep. The Magic just wanted to get out alive. They knew what awaited them if they lost. They had planned to move into the new Amway Arena at the end of the season but the nuclear blast that obliterated the old Amway Center forced them to move earlier. Unfortunately, the new arena was haunted and was often attacked by confused senior citizens who had been mutated by the nuclear radiation. Going home winless would be all the more depressing.

Jameer Nelson was running on a temporary boost of hope. They were down 3-0 and had little chance, but he didn't let that effect his game. As he scanned the floor, he felt a cold creep up his spine. In front of him lay the Boston Celtics, standing at attention like a battle-ready Roman Legion preparing for a horde of barbarians.

After his time fighting in the 4th Space War, nothing chilled his blood. Except for an experienced and determined playoff team. Looking at his own team, Nelson wondered if they could really pull off a win. Vince Carter had lost his heart to Paul Pierce in a fixed game of poker. Rashard Lewis had devolved into a pair of sneakers that were permanently glued to the three point line. Matt Barnes had quit the team and become a full-time reality TV star. Mickael Pietrus was deported. Even the Centaur was slightly wounded. Only J.J. Redick was playing well but he shouldn't have even been playing! Nelson hoped no one would find out they had bought a time machine and replaced the real Redick with his college-age self...they couldn't afford more fines.

"More things to worry about..." thought Nelson, as he drilled a three over the outstretched claw of Rondo, who snapped at Jameer's arm. No one liked playing against a werewolf. "Two minutes left, two minutes left...come on"

"You alright big guy?" Nelson asked The Centaur.

"Yeah, yeah. Just focus on the game!" roared The Centaur as he galloped up the court in full stride chasing upcourt after the sprinting Celtics team. No more smiling for this game. This is what teams needed mythical creatures for, to put their team on their back. Shaking his mane, he leapt off the ground and spiked Glen Davis' lay up attempt into the crowd. The refs tossed another ball into the game, opting not to enter the ravenous crowd in search of the old one.

As Ray Allen inbounded the ball, Jameer dashed into the passing lane, snatched the ball and sprinted down the court with Rondo in tow frothing at the mouth. Jameer pushed the ball, searching for options. He heard the clomping of hooves as the Centaur trailed on the break and Rondo's howls as he bit at Jameers heels.

He had to pass the ball. Who could he trust? The Celtics had taken one of The Centaur's four hearts. Jameer knew that. Kevin Garnett even hung it around his neck as a talisman. Man that guy was unnerving...

Jameer knew better than to believe what others said about his teammates. The media can say they have no heart but Jameer knew better. He saw these guys in practice whenever the power was working. The Centaur was galloping hard and caught Jameer's pass in mid stride. As his head passed next to the shot clock, he threw down a breathtaking windmill dunk causing the Orlando bench to explode. The Celtics fans had planted a bomb inside of it. "They ARE very loyal," thought Jameer as The Centaur cantered over to him for a hi 5.

A whistle blew. Timeout. This was crunch time. Doc Rivers knew that. He wanted a sweep. Get this series over with and prepare for either Kobe Bryant, the millionaire playboy with a murderous streak, or "Sasquatch" Steve Nash.

Frustrated, he turned to his bench looking for answers. To his horror he locked eyes with Kevin Garnett. It was important to not break eye contact or make any sudden movements, men had died for less.

Rivers knew that Garnett was passionate to a fault. One of the best power forwards of all time and a loyal teammate, he was mentally scarred from years of losing and battling The Thing That Eventually Ate Minnesota. Garnett's intensity was, for the most part, great for the Celtics. It provided a sense of urgency for every game in addition to great defense. He was supremely talented. He was also highly unstable.

Rivers first realized Garnett had a problem when he began to bark during games and challenge the weak to fights. At first they thought Rondo had accidentally bitten him and turned him into a werewolf, which would have been fine. But soon he began to exhibit many warning signs of mental instability.

Before games he would bang his head against the basketball support until blood gushed from his head. Teammates would find the words "IT'S ON ME" painted all over locker room walls in squirrel blood. His level of intensity bordered on psychotic. Garnett was always wide-eyed, always screaming and always nasty even during All star games. He never relaxed, sometimes going months without any sleep. The straitjacket was for his own protection as much as theirs. The muzzle was just a precaution.

Rivers got his mind back on the game. "C'mon guys let's close this out!!" he yelled.

However, Rivers knew they would be going back to Orlando. He was prepared and he knew his team was in the driver's seat. They would just have to repeat the energy of the first few games, sticking to the schedules then that allowed them to dominate. But this time he would NOT make the mistake of taking his children to "Goldman Sachs presents: Disney Land".

Pierce knew this was over too. They were close. Tied with two minutes left. But The Centaur was feeling his oats. Putback in the lane. Another and-one. He was an animal, literally. Pierce looked up at the clock. 96-92. 14 seconds left.

"They're going to me," thought Pierce. "And I don't have the energy..."

He needed more Formula G. Damn scientists messing him up pre-game. The ball was rotated to Pierce. He squared his body, ready to shoot as Vince Carter ran out towards him.

"I'VE LOST MY HEARTTTTTT!!!" screamed Vince Carter, attempting to challenge the shot.

"Don't worry man this shit ain't going in" Pierce spat in disgust. Sure enough, the ball clanged off the rim. The buzzer sounded and the crowd began to howl. Their bloodlust had not been satisfied. It was going to be a long, bloody night in Boston.

"Damn, if only I had more Formula G," thought Pierce as he turned to walk into the tunnel.

Vince Carter stepped in front of him, blocking the way.

"I'm getting my heart back," said Vince.

A cold smile danced it's way onto Pierce's lips.

"See you in Orlando," he retorted.

An NBA Apocalypse: When All That Was Left Was The Game

2010-05-04T19:43:00.000-07:00

(Editor's note: This is our first in a series that will delve into an alternate NBA reality. The apocalypse has struck and our worst nightmares have come to life. Zombies, vampires and worse roam the earth and terrorize the population. Countries have been dissolved and cities razed to the ground. Yet basketball and the NBA live on. However, the game and its premier league have been irreparably stained and twisted by this event that destroyed much of life as we know it. This alternate NBA reality can only be properly chronicled through the eyes of the men who play the game, in a series we are calling "An NBA Apocalypse")

A set play called out over the sound of a diehard crowd demanding defense. A pump fake creating just enough space for a hard drive to the rim. A defensive hack resulting in a 7-foot German man throwing up a wild shot before his flailing body crashes to the ground. His cries of pain accompanied by the sharp blow of a referees whistle and a symphony of enraged cries and boos from the crowd. It was all so familiar to Dirk Nowitzki.
How many times had Dirk done it? Too many to count. It was muscle memory at this point. A choreographed dance routine, a move Dirk could do in his sleep. A move his opponents anticipated along with his guard-like jumper but a move they were never fully prepared for.
Dirk was helped up from the ground by his teammates and he slowly walked to the free throw line. His back hurt from the constant barrage of elbows he had been receiving on his way to scoring 30 points and capturing the first game of the Mavs first round series against the Spurs.
"Nice play, keep moving and I'll keep finding you." Jason Kidd said, patting him on the back and jogging out to the perimeter.
Dirk nodded in agreement and took the ball from the referee. Lining up his feet and squaring up his shot he swished the ball through the net. His teammates closed in around him, offering their outstretched arms for encouragement amass the sea of deafening boos from the sold out Spurs crowd. Dirk delayed in receiving their hands, stopping to adjust the black eye patch that covered his left eye and also served as an NBA-approved head band. As he did the boos only grew louder. Crowds in general had grown more rowdy and malicious since the apocalypse.

After calmly sinking the other free throw the crowd immediately ceased to boo and began to chant for the Spurs once more, forgetting all about Dirk, for the time being.

Dirk breathed heavily, scanning the advancing Spurs squad, looking for Tim Duncan as he heard teammate Caron Butler yell "DEFENSE! COME ON! LETS GO!"
Dirk latched onto Tim Duncan and attempted to stay in front of him as best as he could while Duncan battled to escape his clutches. Tim was having an off game by his standards. The Mavs had been doubling him all game long and forcing him into missed shots. Duncan had begun to get frustrated although it was hard to tell. Tim Duncan did not outwardly get angry but had been muttering to himself all game "I'm not programmed to defend 3 point shooters," which Dirk found strange.

In fact, Dirk and many other players around the League found Tim Duncan to be very strange. Conversations before games were always cordial and friendly but also stale and awkward. Tim Duncan, while knowledgeable about seemingly every topic from sports to politics and art history, rarely conveyed any emotion or passion for any of these topics, blandly regurgitating factoids before continuing to practice his post moves. Consensus was that Tim Duncan was simply a private person with amazing basketball skills.

Dirk saw a blur slash down the middle, past his left side. Layup, 2 points. "Damn it! That's my blindside!" Dirk yelled, swearing in annoyance. Dampier was supposed to be helping on Dirks blind side, but Tony Parker had just blown by both of them to the rim.

Another blow of a whistle, time out. Dirk walked to the bench high fiving bench mates before sitting down and drowning himself in Gatorade.

"Their guards are playing well," Jason Kidd said, sitting down next to Dirk. Dirk nodded.

"Manu is out of his mind tonight, what's he got like 35?" Dirk asked looking at Kidd.

"Don't matter how many he's got, it's all about when he's getting them. It seems like every time they need a point or a stop he's getting it." Jason Kidd said as Dirk looked over to the Spurs huddle at Manu Ginobilli.

"That damn leg of his gives me the creeps," said Dirk.

"I know, but there's something to be said for a man who survives a zombie bite AND can come back to the League. Shit, zombie bites are more career ending than micro fracture man." Responded Kidd

Dirk looked Manu up and down. His right leg was gone, amputated at the upper thigh. Popovich the "mad scientist" had replaced it with a fully functional metal prosthetic after Manu's leg had been bitten during an off-season return to what was formerly known as Argentina. The leg was the first of its kind. It was fully functional, giving him hops and endurance. The League allowed it under the special circumstances but discouraged others from getting their own.

"He shouldn't have gone back to Argentina, that's just begging to be bit." Dirk retorted before Carlisle began to speak, cutting the conversation between players short.

"Come on guys, we got the lead but there's still a lot of time on that clock. If you want to come out of San Antonio with a win and your lives, you better start defending! No lay ups! Najera you're in." Carlisle said as Najera stood up for the first time that game, eagerly tearing off his warm ups and adjusting his jersey.

"Dirk" Carlisle said turning to Nowitzki, "Don't get comfortable out there, this is your team! I don't want to see Tony get by you like that again."

Dirk remained mum. He was not one to complain about his lack of an eye but he would never forget the day he lost it, or the man who took it from him.

The summer of 2006. His foe seemed so harmless and friendly in his wheelchair, but Dirk should have known to fear the mysterious power that allowed a man to play when he couldn't even walk. Dwyane Wade, the superstar who could only walk during games, due to a mystical power no one could explain. Dirk reminisced on seeing Wade pregame. It was always amazing when he wheeled onto the court to a hushed crowd. All of a sudden he would leap from his chair to the eruption of applause from fans. Flexing his arms and arching his back as he absorbed the crowds adoration, he would then grab a ball and dunk from the free throw line causing the crowd to squeal with delight and chant his name over and over again.

Dirk balled his hand into a fist in rage at the thought of that day. 2006, that had been before the plague and infestation, when life was still normal. Dwayne Wade was one of the most amazing players Dirk had ever faced. It was hard to stop a man who was inexplicable. In his head, he replayed the press conference Dwayne had given after the final game, clutching the trophy, sitting in his wheel chair, with a broad smile on his face. He had been unstoppable, jumping for rebounds, blocks and dunks as if possessed. Dirk had no quarrel with him until the last game of the 2006 Finals, the game that cost him his eye, his championship and his family...

Dirk resumed focus on the game at hand. The time out was over and the action resumed. "Each game is one step closer to my revenge," he whispered to himself.

Another whistle and time began. Caron slammed the ball on the hardwood and tore towards the basket, throwing it across the baseline to Jason Terry for a 3. It rolled out and was snatched by Tim Duncan who threw it to a sprinting Richard Jefferson for an easy dunk, 2 points. Dirk swore again, the game was slipping away. On the next possession he shot a jumper which clanged off the rim, increasing his frustration.

Dirk raced down the court and battled with Duncan in the post, his frustration growing. As Duncan spun for a short Dirk attempted to block him but accidentally clobbered Tim across the face. Recoiling from the blow Duncan crashed into the pole supporting the basket. The crowd roared with rage. Their greatest player, but more importantly a human being, had slammed his face into a metal pole.

The referee whistle blared and Gregg "The Mad Scientist" Popovich stormed onto the court as George Hill held back Mcdyess from striking a screaming Jason Terry. When Duncan turned his head, the crowd gasped in fear and shock. Dirk froze in horror, his sweat quickly turning into rivulets of ice.
"How was this possible?" he said to himself.
Duncan's face had peeled away to reveal a metallic interior covered in wires. His bionic eyes peeked out from underneath the human skin that covered his face. The piercing shine from his internal machinery glinted hard under the spotlight. Just then, murmurs began to fill the arena. Someone in the crowd screamed. The Spurs players looked away as another whistle blew, Popovich mercifully called a time out. As Dirk returned to the huddle visibly shaken, no one spoke. How could they explain what they had just seen? There was no way. This changed everything....

Elsewhere, isolated inside the newly rebuilt and heavily fortified Staples Center, Kobe Bryant opened his eyes. Derek Fisher had entered his private sanctuary. Kobe lifted his torso from his hyperbolic underwater training bed. He was wearing a skin tight work out shirt and Lakers shorts. As he removed the oxygen mask from his face, Fisher began to speak.

"I talked it over with the commissioner and he said it may be tough to ensure..." Fisher said, his voice trailing off.

"What?" Kobe said, one eyebrow raised in annoyance. As the son of Joe "Jellybean" Bryant, the billionaire inventor and lead scientist working on the cure to zombie bites, Kobe was used to always getting his way. When the billionaire heir playboy decided to become a basketball superstar, he received the greatest training money could buy to compliment his supreme talents and spared no expense. Hearing that something he had mandated would not be fulfilled annoyed him considerably.

"I'm just saying Kobe," Fisher replied swallowing a lump in his throat "You have to admit no one can guarantee the Cavaliers will make it to the finals...I mean they're pretty good but if they don't make it, they aren't worth it anyway..."

"It's not JUST about the finals, Fish" said Kobe, cutting Fisher off, "It's about knocking off a worthy adversary for a championship to put ME in the history books...above....him..."

Derek knew exactly who he was talking about. The great one, the most transcendent force in basketball, according to Time magazine, and most anyone who was not a Laker fan. Michael Jordan.

"I already bested the mythical Centaur last year, but this year I must topple my biggest adversary," Kobe continued. "Some people have the gall to say Lebron, this former government experiment, is better than me. ME! All he is is an escaped sample of a failed super soldier project!! He can't beat me...and I'll demonstrate this fact to the world...."

A television in the background played highlights of an earlier Cavaliers-Bulls game, showing Lebron James dunking over opponents with a lion-like strength that made opponents cower in fear. Some said he was the greatest physical specimen of all time, created from the genes of multiple soldiers and experimented on from a young age to be the future of a line of supersoldiers. The funding for the project eventually waned and Lebron was subsequently drafted. Since he had entered the League, along with a young balls-to-the-wall, military commando who had starred in the Army leagues named Carmelo Anthony, they were the Army's pride and joy while becoming some of the most dominant players in the NBA. Lebron with his supreme physical dominance, speed, size, ball handling and hops and Carmelo with his strict military fundamentals, commando strength training and supreme shooting aim from countless firing drills. They were men built and trained for battle.

"It's alright Kobe, it will work out...we should just get focused on our next game," assured Fisher. "That Durant kid, there's something special about him...I can't quite put my finger on it, but we have to be ready."

"Think he's better than me?" Kobe replied with a smirk.

"Of course not man!" Fisher responded immediately, fearing he had stoked Kobe's volcanic, unstable competitive fire. "You're the greatest of all time!!!"

Kobe's head fell and his muscles relaxed. He was apparently satiated and ready to continue with his life-saving daily exercises, the only thing keeping him together.

Sensing that he was no longer wanted, Fisher made quick on his window to leave. "Hey I'd love to stay but I have to go get Artest," said Fisher. "He's escaped again. Mesmerized the guards with his hair this time and got out into the city. If anyone finds out he could be quarantined and miss the entire playoffs."

"Go get him." Kobe said, putting back on his oxygen mask and submerging himself underneath the water. He closed his eyes, thinking about the game to come.
The playoffs had only just begun...

Be sure to catch Part 2, coming soon

ASG

2010-01-25T11:08:00.000-08:00

Now for the real reason I'm congratulating NBA fans everywhere.

The All star selections were truly sheep like. The selections of AI and Tmac almost made it seem as if we truly are in some distopian society where everyone has become an automaton doing the same menial tasks over and over without thought. Voting in the same players every year with little thought of who is the most deserving. Most of the selections were pretty ho hum. Lebron, Wade, Allen Iverson. You know the guys you'd expect to be playing. (just checking if you were listening).

But seriously, I love the idea of Tmac playing in the All star game. The All star games a total joke, in Tmac we would have finally given the guy a chance to show the League what he's still capable of, maybe turn some heads, give us a reason to watch. My biggest problem with Allen Iverson starting is that if we had kept him out of the starting line up a pissed off AI may have spent the rest of the season on a rampage.

My biggest problem is Amar'e Stoudemire. Just like every all star game should have 2 really point guards, Amar'e is hardly a center in any sense of the word. Not only that, I can't think of ANYTHING interesting Amar'e has done post micro fracture surgery at all. I'm not going to look at his stats it doesn't matter. Amar'e Stoudemire isn't really doing anything. I say put the fear of god into him and keep him off the starting line up next year.

I thought I had more to say but I don't, I find the reserve selections far more exciting.

Congratulations!

2010-01-25T09:05:00.001-08:00

Brush the confetti off your back and take a picture with our regional manager, because you just stumbled onto our sites 15th post! As a prize you've been entered into a raffle to win a game worn jersey from one of the greatest teams of all time!*

they say the man that dons this jerseys gains mystical Larry Bird comparisons. The next Larry does not have to be white just like the next Jordan will be Filipino (you heard it here first! http://www.filipinasoul.com/2007/12/how-much-do-filipinos-love-basketball/ )although Gugliotta WAS the next Larry Bird

I know it's a sweet deal, Marbury, KG, Googs, Sam Mitchell those guys were going places. you were lucky to stumble upon this post.

*you lost the contest

Now that we got that fanfare out of the way lets get down to business. In case you were wondering:

If Jay Leno was a basketball player he'd be that crotchety old player who just wont bow out of his old team and make way for the young kids. Jay Leno plays for a historic team (say the Celtics, or the Bulls) and while had great stats never really filled the shoes of the last great (Carson). Anyone can see this if you really watch the game tape and not just look at the "stats" (ratings).

Meanwhile Conan's that young promising player who started off rocky getting drafted in the 2nd round was doubted for years and has finally risen to stardom. He is courted by Jays team with promises of becoming the new go to guy. Conan believed it, got excited, left his old franchise and signed on to Jay's team thinking he would get to be the go to guy.

Jay Leno then welcomes free agent Conan with open arms claiming his own best years are behind him and that he's excited to welcome the new player. Come game time though he hasn't asked for a trade or bowed out gracefully but instead insists on taking crunch time shots. Conan is not putting up the numbers he was expected to, because Jay hasn't stepped out the way and let Conan take over. This causes the team to panic and now Conan's been bought out after the team asked him "what if we run the offense through Jay?" Conan obviously rejects the suggestion, he's his own man and ready to run a team. Conan leaves and is immediately signed by another team. Conan realizes the NBA is a business and torches Jays team every time they cross paths.

Conan's line in there first meeting a bloodthirsty 30-6-4, on 47% shooting. That's cold Conan. At one point he and Jay "jaw" at each other in the paint over a rough foul before being separated.

Now, Jay Leno is the franchise guy again, never mind that he's 38, has minimal hops and refuses to play D. Never mind the team was never that good with Jay or without him.

I could see Jay Leno being a basketball player in the 50s and pulling a move like this. The best part is he could pull it off with the same physique (ah the 50's)

I'm open

In the 50's Jay Leno would clearly be a point guard who plays dirty and would hate trend setters like Bob Cousey. (he's just got that look to him)
Conan would be a big man who would set sturdy screens, rebound and despite being taller than everyone unable to grab rim. (I'm still team Conan though)

Jimmy Fallon is for now and forever Marco Jaric (a self aware Marco Jaric, so it's all good fun).

We got a great show for you tonight.

I tried to find a good contemporary NBA example but honestly it's hard. Even Rafear Alston got more love from the Magic in the finals after Jameer returned.

Heck the NBA is the place were proven stars get traded away after one bad season for a 20 year old kid with length and signs of promise such as "learning to dribble with other hand."
Yes the closest thing I can think of is if the Rockets weren't happy with there record and asked Carl Landry and Aaron Brooks to wheel Tmac up and down the court in a wheel chair while he hoisted 3 pointers.

This example doesn't work because I love Tmac (more on this later) and I don't find any late night guy very funny so this discussion is over.

Lebron in the NFL

2009-11-24T11:56:00.000-08:00

Given the silliness of the topic I'll spare you the usual pontificating and pedantic monologues I usually post before I get to the meat of the issue. We always hear about Lebron the athlete who could play any sport, and how lucky we are he chose basketball over a furtive period of badminton dominance.

we are all witnesses

Lebrons display of strength and size would really be useful in slaming a shuttlecock over or sometimes even through the net, leaving a shuttlecock sized hole in the net. His freakish speed would also help him "navigate" across the "badminton playing surface"

another sport more worthy of Lebrons freakish athleticism...and intensity.

You faithful reader like many people that watched Lebron dominate in the playoffs last year probably realized Lebron was born to play golf. His balance and timing are ideal for such a sport. If you think I'm poking fun at either of these sports to make a point I'm not. I'm meerly illustrating 6'9 270 (or whatever) doesn't hurt for most sports, except for Bobsledding or something.

Despite the fact that the NBA should personally send both the official badminton leauge and PGA cards and flowers every year, the real sport everyone wants to see Lebron play is football.

I said football you twits!

The claim is the Browns would love Lebron. The claim is Lebron would love the Browns. I'm guessing it's not serious and it's probably all a joke and I get why Lebron haters love the opportunity to bash him for his "lack of focus" or whatever it is Lebron haters hate about Lebron, (that he's neglecting his natural badminton gifts). On some level (even though I know he can't) wish Lebron would go play some football. Here's why
I, am an old fashioned sorta guy.
I miss the days when a man could be both a woodsman and a physicist on the side. The days of old America where no one really understood science anyway so any and all people with an interest in a subject could consider themselves scholars of some sort. Growing up in 1700 what really where the qualifications to be an engineer or an archeologist? (other than money) Probably not much, but I'm meandering off topic again.
My point is in the old days what did it take to be a pro? Sure it took dedication, hard work, and skill of course but the great athletes didn't always limit themselves to one sport. Sure its near impossible in the modern era due to the level of competition but I wish we had more guys like Jim Thorpe these days.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Thorpe

Guys like Jim Thorpe didn't care, they where good at sports and didn't make themselves stick to one. They went out there and played there hearts out at any sport they could get there hands on. Ok now with the way sports work and how business like they have become as well as the level of commitment each one requires its near impossible to be a pro in more than one sport. Plus, Lebron could very easily get injured playing football (but he could get injured doing many things, we would just get mad if he got injured playing football). So maybe it's a bad idea, fine. And frankly Lebrons made a choice now to rock the basketball world so there's no going back. I however, commend the Jim Thorpe in him. This is a move that really just reflects Lebrons love of sports and in a world where so much of sincerity is lost with the business side of things constantly being considered its refreshing to see. This is why I'm going to praise Kobe very soon.

ESPN Has to Stop Making Me Hate LeBron James

2009-11-19T16:30:00.000-08:00

I remember the first time I saw LeBron James. And no, it wasn't like the first time I saw Jesus.

Athens, Greece. 2004. The Olympics were back in Greece and the USA basketball team was back in action to bring home their 50th gold medal (actually their 12th but I think they gave Charles Barkley a special medal for bitching Angola). This 2004 Olympics team was honestly the most ridiculous U.S. Olympics team ever assembled, and not totally in a good way.

The lineup:
F Carmelo Anthony
F/C Carlos Boozer
C Tim Duncan
G Allen Iverson
G LeBron James
F Richard Jefferson
G Stephon Marbury
F Shawn Marion
F Lamar Odom
F/C Emeka Okafor (yeah no seriously, college-fresh Emeka Okafor)
F Amare Stoudemire
G Dwyane Wade

The main problem: Allen Iverson and Stephon Marbury were on the same team. Secondary: The team was way too young, way too inexperienced and had no shooters. But everyone knows this (the 2008 hype around "The Redeem Team" drilled it into our minds how horrible this team was).

Not exactly a gold medal squad

However, this is not about the team. On August 15th, 2004, I caught their first game against a Carlos Arroyo-led Puerto Rico team. My dad was sitting next to me and when Team USA came out of the tunnel, he leaned over and whispered "Hey, who's the big guy with the headband? Number 9?". "I have no clue. Let me check....um.... that's Lebron James" "LeBron? Huh.......he'll be a star".

And that was it. A simple prophecy of sorts. This is not to say my dad is a seer (He also predicted that Greg Oden would be Hakeem 2.0 and is a firm believer in the enigma that is Michael Doleac). However, it was clear to see, even right out of high school, that LeBron James was destined to be a star.

Sealed and delivered

And hate LeBron or love him, you cannot deny that right now, he is one of the, if not the, premier star in the league (Kobe probably beats him by an endorsement).

However, I much as I love LeBron's powerful style of play, ridiculous aerial acrobatics, and general hilarious demeanor, ESPN, from Buccigross to Van Pelt, from Storm to the horrible hype machine that is Stuart Scott, are making me hate LeBron James.

God how I hate him

Yeah

This rant was really formed in my mind when I turned on Sportscenter this morning. They had Tim "Honestly the most random commentator on the network" Legler on to discuss LeBron James' obviously retarded claim that he could play professional football in the NFL. Instead of what should have been a complete non-story about a ridiculous joke made by James, ESPN blows the whole idea out of proportion, bringing on Herm Edwards to waste his time and actually talk about LeBron playing football (His expert anaylsis: it would not work).

That's right Robin

And if that was not enough of an insult to our intelligence, they also bring in Barry Melrose's mullet and it's human owner to talk about LeBron's chances as a hockey player!! As a result of the immediate urge to vomit, I had to change the channel but would not have been surprised if ESPN also brought in John Kruk to talk about LeBron pulling a Jordan and playing baseball or whoever the fuck covers NASCAR to talk about NASCAR (what the fuck does NASCAR stand for anyway?) or even a dirty whore to talk about LeBron's chances in the sex business!! (Editor's note: He could make $50,000 a week, easy. And I speak from professional experience)

I digress. But my basic principle still remains (Editor's note: Are you sure, tiger?): The hype machine around LeBron James, perpetuated on most part by the ESPN family of networks, is making me hate him. Can't the media go without breaking down every single thing that LeBron does or says? So he makes a joke about going to play for the crap-ass Cleveland Browns. You do a whole segment that actually scouts him as a player and shows grainy high school footage of him catching poorly-thrown balls? Why must you be whores to the hype? Lebron can never, will never, and could never play professional football or any other damn sport. He should focus on improving his jump shot first. Then his post moves. Then his teammates (Editor's note: We talking 'bout practice???).

LeBron doesn't need all this hype. He is a great player who will get the stats and end up with at least one or two championships to his name. However, hyping every Cleveland game and every little thing that he does only cheapens his accomplishments (by making it seem ordinary) and overexposes him to everyone. I haven't even started about the ridiculous coverage given to his pledge to give up number 23 for Jordan and desire for the rest of the League to do so too (a topic of an upcoming article).

My suggestion? Lay off LeBronmania. Stop calling him Chosen One or King James. And for heavens sake, if you really want to stop the hype machine, stop talking about Summer 2010.

Summer 2010 is the bane of my basketball existence. You cannot get through one regulation-length game without it being mentioned at least 200 times. A Cavaliers, Heat or Raptors game? Forget about it.

Not shown: Mike Breen averaged one 2010 reference per 13 seconds

Let's focus on the now shall we? There's still a whole great season of basketball to be played. To me, Summer 2010 is just part of this whole LeBron James hype that is driving me insane.

LeBron is a great player. But let's give him a chance to be truly brilliant and deserve evne half of the hype that we give him. Oh and fuck Stuart Scott.

This has nothing to do with anything but was too hilarious not to post. Come on and touch it Dave.

We are all witnesses

2009-11-16T10:10:00.000-08:00

I've never watched Vladimir Radmanovic play but I've heard he likes to shoot three's a lot despite his towering height (Editor's note: Got him to a T). I also know he injured himself one time snowboarding and tried to pretend he injured himself by tripping on a sidewalk. I also remember kinda believing that he, a supposed world-class athlete, could have injured himself by tripping on a sidewalk (which says a lot).

Anyway, he's on the Golden State Warriors now (Editor's note: A forward who likes to shoot threes and is unwanted everywhere else? How could he not be on the Warriors??). He was not the centerpiece of the trade, that was Stephen Jackson, but I find Vlad Rad the most interesting part.

First off, he was traded to the Warriors so that the Warriors can have another "shooter" on the team. I love when bad teams add "pieces" to their team to give themselves "depth". This is always funny to me because it gives off the impression they are adding the missing piece to the puzzle or something. Realistically, a competent role player on a lottery team is sadder than a superstar on a lottery team.

A superstar on a bad team still gets his numbers, still gets accolades/attention, and may even be built around to take a team to greatness (Editor's note: Danny Granger, we speak your names!). A valuable role player only has value on a contender. What good are screens, box-outs, or hustle on a really, really bad team? I'm not suggesting Vlad Rad brings any of those things to the Warriors but am merely meandering for a minute to discuss role players as a whole (Editor's note: meandering is what we do!).

But back to the topic at hand

Vlad Rad thankfully isn't so useful of a role player that he will help the Warriors out. Unlike a guy like Shane Battier, who's corner threes, defense, and senseless indifference to personal stats would truly be pointless on a lottery team to the point where he would be merely prolonging the inevitable (Editor's note: Calm down tiger), Vlad Rad is a magna cum laude graduate from the "Ricky Davis Institute of Chucking".

I see the Vlad Rad trade as the beginning of a shift towards eventual Warriors greatness, at least in my own sick twisted mind. Vlad Rad is tall 6'10 so he can probably play power forward or center. This gives them a legitimately tall ball-hog.

This is very exciting! I mean Andris Biedrins is great and all but he brings shame to all European big men with his interests in defense and rebounding.

Not only that, he's from the part of Europe where they only make shooting big men (Latvia, Lithuania etc.)

With so many chuckers on this team, can we be to far from an all out "revolution from above" perhaps even a full-on "Nelsonism" movement where all defenders and non-shooters are purged from the Warriors until all that is left is 15-man roster of shot-takers. Would this create the opportunity for so many points to be scored that none would in fact be scored at all, with players vehemently refusing to pass the ball in bounds??

I'm being kind of serious when I say Vlad Rad is perfect for the Warriors and, if they are going to do this "Apocalypse Now"-style roster, they may as well do it properly. So trade Raja Bell to the Clippers for Ricky Davis and let's get the show on the road!

You probably thought I was bringing up this guy at some point. I refuse until he's on Dallas (who he completes)

It's been awhile

2009-11-12T15:00:00.001-08:00

To all faithful Spherical Studies readers out there (aka Mom and Dad), we're sorry for the huge lapse of time from our last posts. As basketball blog voyeurs, we are often privvy to information that is held from the regular population (ex. Damon Jones is actually a bum who has some dirt on David Stern and blackmails him to stay in the NBA). About two months ago, Baby Hornacek and myself were trolling the internet when we accidentally stumbled upon a secret about LeBron James and Kobe Bryant so dark, so deadly that to even utter it again would bring about large, killer robots.

Kind of like this but with horns

Hint: Those commercials with the puppets? Based on real life!

Kind of like this but with real people

But now that we're back, we can get back to business. And by business I mean writing articles. And by writing articles I mean doing nothing and not getting paid for it.

The Beginning of a New Era.

2009-11-09T16:05:00.000-08:00

Somewhere (Editor's note: Utah) Shawn Bradley is smiling whimsically and mumbles to himself "And the torch has been passed......"

This is a new era in many other ways though. Lets just clear up some administrative things first before we get going:

No one is going to believe me, but I liked Trevor Ariza wayyyyyyyy before it was cool.

Allow me to set the stage. It's 2006 and I have NBA Live 2006 (Editor's note: AKA best NBA Live of all-time). The Knicks have this really athletic, young shooting guard on there team named Trevor Ariza. He's good at stealing the ball and can jump really high, but no one seemed to really care. This didn't stop me from playing him 40+ minutes a game and dropping ridiculous numbers. I'm just saying I gave him a chance well before anyone else. On a game though.......just clarifying I'm an idiot.(Editor's note: we needed clarification?)

This same roster also had this other young guy named Channing Frye (Editor's Note: Fryes and a shake!). He was easy to like. Tall, lanky, athletic, soft hands and lots of upside. Also, he was putting up ACTUAL numbers in the REAL NBA, garnering him some Rookie of the Year talk.

Next to Trevor Ariza on the bench was this other young guy, David Lee. I'm not going to lie, I'm not Nostradamus and I really didn't care. And honestly, I still really don't care, as he is just above Varejao on the list of big men I just don't care about (Editor's note: right above Ersan "Who?" Ilyasova).

David Lee...I just don't care...sorry

I suffered as an Ariza fan in silence. To fast forward, he's now on the Rockets and no one cares I like him anymore because everyone jumped that bandwagon mighty fast after the 2009 Finals. To become a fan now, I'd have to take a number and wait in line. This makes me bitter as no one will ever believe me that I knew this was going to happen all along (Editor's note: WAHHHH). So there is no way I'm rooting for his overrated ass this year (Editor's note: and the cycle of infanity is fulfilled).

Goodbye old friend.

Channing Frye, on the other hand, has left me feeling unwell. I've heard of busts (Editor's note: Hellooooo Kwame!) and I've heard of rising stars. However, there's nothing sadder than a guy who makes it into the League, plays well and then just stops mattering, slowly fading away or fighting back as a role player who is only a husk of his former self.

Seriously, who goes from dropping 30 points a game in New York to being benched in Portland? Even better, who does it without becoming an alcoholic, tattooing a star on their head or having a bad attitude? Channing Frye does it that's who.

And he does it with a fucking smile.

I kept tabs on Channing though. I even checked his blog a couple times and this guy is hard to hate. Despite the fact that he was slowly fading away into nothing, never once did he complain about his minutes. Now he's on the Suns hitting 3's like they're going out of style.

Of course everyone's going to hate on his numbers because Nash is whispering magical, Canadian enchantments into the ball before every pass but that's nothing my fanatical fandom cant handle. The problem is he's officially plateaued as a player. He's content to do whatever the team needs even if it keeps him from realizing his potential. The guy's a consummate pro. We will one day find Channing Frye playing basketball in Western Siberia, content to set picks and box out while not complaining for even a moment (Editor's note: Except when the coach skimps on his daily meal of borscht and vodka).

Nash and 4 hobos would get home court in the playoffs

Seriously where's the mean streak? I'm the guy who still believes Stevie Francise can make a comeback and I've officially written you off as a role player. If you don't want it, I can't want it for you.

Another small side note: the League has killed Allen Iverson. I hope it was worth it, that guy carried you guys when no one else could.

Seriously though

I can see Stern meeting A.I. after hours in a diner, Iverson hanging his head down in begrudging acceptance and Stern having his lackeys strangle Iverson with piano wire as he smokes a cigar in silence. It's been that unorthodox of an exit for A.I.

I can see why A.I. had to go though. The Answer truly is a whole different kind of player than the ones we have today.

Compare Iverson to Kevin Durant. Durant screams squeaky clean, hard work, and teamwork. A.I. represents the old days when players had a sense of entitlement and were sometimes happy getting numbers on unsuccessful teams.

The new norm is having a good attitude, working hard, being diplomatic at all times, and going to practice (Editor's note: To see evidence, look no further than any random "NBA Cares" commercial). Even the most pedestrian NBA fan now knows the games are really about more than the highlights. We already exiled Gerald Green if that wasn't proof enough. Artest has toned himself down from a threat to a curious eccentric (a curious pants-less eccentric).

I mean call me crazy but we got Lebron giving up his number 23 to honor Jordan and Kevin Durant last year making comments about how he didn't deserve to be an All-star until his team racked up some wins!(http://dimemag.com/2009/01/kevin-durant-doesnt-think-he-is-an-all-star/).

Everyone's just so happy to be in the NBA this year. Everyone's just so happy and wholesome and anyone who isn't is sent to the Warriors (Editor's note: AYEOOOOOOOO).

"Lets have a sleepover! My mom said we can stay up all night!"

I love Allen Iverson but I guess when you compare someone to the godsend Kevin Durant (more on this at a later date) and the calculating public relations team that is Lebron James, it's easy to look like the Anti-christ.

But you bastards you didn't have to kill him! (Editor's note: I though Memphis purgatory was a just punishment)

Here's my three step plan for slowly taking Allen Iverson out to pasture at a dignified pace:

1) Put him on the Bobcats or the Knicks, a terrible team with no go-to scorer (Editor's note: Ahem, Raymond Felton anyone?).
2) Give him a regulation-sized basketball
3) Stand back.

Seriously, how is this a bad idea? It's not like the Boobcats are doing much and Donnie Walsh and Mike D'Antoni are simply hiding in their castle made of sand, twiddling their thumbs and hoping the peasants don't revolt before next year's bountiful harvest.

Let's truly see what Iverson has left in the tank. Just literally stand back and watch. There's no way this can go wrong in any single solitary way (Editor's note: Could bring Billy King back into the League in some kind of Matrix-Neo-Agent Smith paradigm where one can't exist without the other).

I stand by this. The Bobcats are the best choice for an actual destination. Iverson could really help the team with scoring and actually playing organized basketball. The Knicks are the best option from a "let's just see what happens!" science experiment (which excites me).

In New York, it actually doesn't matter what he does. All atrocities and abominations that could have been committed have already been committed and passed through the Big Apple. What's one more side show? Couldn't it make the next 60+ games the Knicks are forced to play by League rules at least entertaining?

They aren't going to win so they might as well start having challenges for each game to keep the fans entertained (Editor's note: Free Wilson Chandler bobblehead night isn't doing it?). How many points could A.I. drop if we asked him nicely to shoot on every possession? What about if one game Jordan Hill ran the point? Seriously, can it get much worse than Darko and Duhon? Is A.I. less deserving of a chance than Baron Davis? I'm just saying it would make the season interesting.

On the topic of little guys, Ricky Rubio's biggest NBA-related mistake was letting Brandon Jennings leave Europe alive.

Here we go

I'm not going to lie, I was mad when Rubio didn't come to the League. Not because I think he's the next Pistol Pete Maravich but because I need to know what he truly is. Is he a bust? Is he a star? The Spanish Speedy Claxton???? It's killing me! I need to know!

I'm leaning towards bust for a few reasons:

1) I just don't like him anymore (from refusing to workout for teams to the fact that he really didn't seem thrilled at the thought of playing somewhere cold). To me, this felt like a kid who is buying into the hype and has a sense of entitlement (there goes my previous theory...). It just didn't sit well with me. And now he's not here. Even if he is good, there's a lot of amazing young point guards (ex. Jonny Flynn, Aaron Brooks, Devin Harris and Brandon Jennings) (Editor's note: I'm Ragin' for Rondo! ...... I just realized how bad that sounds.....). The League was ready to hand you the world and you turned it down, and now Jennings is slowly taking over.

2) Jennings will come for Rubio, whenever he does show up. He's already hinted that Rubio is a little bit overrated (http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/writers/scott_howard-cooper/06/12/jennings.rubio/index.html). He later refined his comments but the blood is in the water. Rubio missing the party and not making the jump is not helping his case. Rubio will be compared to Jennings forever, no matter how arbitrary the comparison may be (Editor's note: In a "Chris Paul-Deron Williams-OMG they were drafted at the same time" kind of way??). All it will take is for Rubio to hit the rookie wall when Flynn or Jennings are hitting a surge in their careers to turn the Timberwolves fans and organization on Rubio.

When Rubio does show up all the excuses will be gone. He won't be 18 and he won't be inexperienced. Maybe Rubio will come and turn the League on it's head, but I'm going to suggest it unlikely. Aaron Brooks will run through him.

Ok, all the side notes are taken care of lets get blogging! Tune in next time for why Kobe matters more than Michael Jordan (controversial!!!), the top 10 players I just don't care about, and maybe (Editor's note: definitely) some poorly photoshopped pictures

Someone send Jonny Flynn a card

2009-09-09T16:58:00.000-07:00

Seriously, is David Kahn trying to turn the Timberwolves into the bastard Golden State Warriors? Instead of being chock full of 6-8 forwards that all like to shoot and don't like to pass, he's going for a team full of point guards (Editor's note: I'm sure they'll get the point though! ......Ok, I'll stop). If I knew more about NCAA basketball or March Madness, I'd quip about how that could work in college. However, I don't know anything about the NCAA or March Madness and will forgo that comment (Editor's note: Thanks).

Kahn just did this:
http://www.nba.com/2009/news/09/09/wolves.hornets.ap/index.html

They added Antonio Daniels for Darius Songalia. True, Antonio Daniels isn't a major threat for Flynn's minutes...but oh yeah they also signed Ramon Sessions.

Like a daytime Mexican soap opera, Johnny Flynn's foil is a man named Ramon (Editor's note: Que pasa, RRRRRamon?

The Timberwolves are looking at a back court of Ramon Sessions and Jonny Flynn. Reports claim that Sessions was signed to replace Ricky Rubio, who is remaining in Spain. I find the perceived need for a Rubio replacement strange.
I was imagining Kahn in his office going "well, it sucks we didn't get Rubio yet, but at least we don't have to worry about having two young talented point guards on the same team creating a log jam at the position. I guess we kind of dodged a bullet there!"

It turns out Kahn was actually saying:
Kahn: "Holy crap! Who's going to play point guard now?"

Jonny Flynn: *Pops his head in the office* "I'll give it a shot! I played some college ball!"

Kahn: "Gasp! Who the heck are you?"

There's the other possibility that Kahn really wants an Isiah Thomas/Joe Dumars backcourt thing to work and sees Flynn and Sessions as the second coming of Isiah Thomas/Joe Dumars (Editor's note: Expectations much?).

The tandem that becomes the second coming of Isiah and Joe Dumars doesn't HAVE to be as short tough

That or Kahn just wants to make Jonny Flynn cry.

The final option is Kahn, the savvy son of a gun he is, saw a very talented player in Ramon that he could get at a bargain price. Flynn is very athletic and could be a successful scoring guard in the L. While they may get torn up on D, it's not like the Timberwolves are going to win a championship either way (Editor's note: I predict they lose to the Grizzlies in the Finals).

Still, if Flynn puts up with this, after being such a good soldier while Kahn was promising the starting job and his first-born to Rubio no matter what (never mind that Flynn is a proven product out of the NCAA, while Rubio could be a shaggy haired Goran Drazic or worse), he really is a heck of a guy.

Hallmark needs to make a card for this....

"So you're a great team player, who's not rocking the boat, and your team just once again slighted you by signing another young promising point guard....... after promising another player the starting spot..... and now just traded for an aging point guard just for kicks........tough break"

Five Reasons Why Dwyane Wade Shouldn't Leave Miami

2009-09-03T14:26:00.001-07:00

As one of the most attractive players in the free agent bonanza of Summer 2010, not to mention one of the biggest superstars in the Association, Dwyane Wade should certainly have all the power in his ongoing contract negotiations with Pat Riley and the Miami Heat organization. However, both sides are caught in a dangerous game of chicken. Dwyane wants the Heat to add better players, not shadows of great players (Editor's Note: Here's looking at you Jermaine), and improve the roster before he signs an extension to his contract. Riley and the Heat organization are looking to sign Wade and then begin to build a team around him (somewhere Kevin Garnett is screaming "DON'T DO IT DWYANE!!!"). With both sides seemingly going in different directions, there is a dangerous chance the Heat could lose their best player altogether and turn into some kind of Grizzlies-esque abomination where Be-Easy Beasley brings his entourage to the bench and Chris Quinn actually moves into the American Airlines Arena.

Yao says eat the head!

I originally was going to write an ode to Wade but couldn't find anything to rhyme with "Yakhouba Diawara". Instead, here are five reasons why Dwyane Wade shouldn't leave Miami:

1) For starters, you are the king of Miami: Who else owns the town besides Wade? No other athlete is more identifiable with Miami and Miami sports right now than Flash. The Dolphins are only now starting to climb out of NFL purgatory and Dan Marino's too busy selling everyone Nutrisystem. The Marlins are... well they're the Marlins. After his stellar year last year, where he was the top scorer in the NBA, Wade carried Miami into the playoffs, almost single-handedly, and put his name into the MVP conversation along with Lebron and Kobe.
One moment in particular stands out to me and exemplifies Wade's dominance over this city's sports culture. March 9th, 2009. American Airlines Arena. A game against the Chicago Bulls goes into double overtime. Every time the Heat seemingly get a lead, John Salmons and the tenacious Bulls fight their way back in. With less than 10 seconds left, and the ball in Chicago's hands, Salmons begins to drive from the top of the key. Spinning to his left, Salmons suddenly feels the ball ripped from his hands. A split second later, he's trailing Wade down the court in a fruitless attempt to stop the Flash. An impossible, off-balance, running three-pointer later and Miami survives with a 130-127 win. Wade ends with 48 points (on 71.4 percent shooting), 12 assists, 6 rebounds, 4 steals and 3 blocks, a stat line that is becoming increasingly ordinary for him. However, after that final miracle shot, Wade got on top of a table courtside and screamed "This is MY HOUSE!" to the crazed Miami crowd, who sat in a weird mixture of shock, adoration, and slight orgasm. You're right Dwyane, this is your house. And it should stay that way.

Flash? More like Superman now (Editor's Note: Don't tell the Shaqtus)

2) Are the Knicks really that better than the Heat?:That's one thing that puzzles me. Everybody and their mother is supposedly rumored to be going to the New York Knicks in 2010, as James Dolan and Donnie Walsh clear players off the payroll and fans out of the arena (Editor's Note: Apparently Gloria James, Lebron's mom, was just offered a 4-year, 50 mil deal). But why would any player want to play for a skeleton of an NBA franchise and rely on the same people who hired Isiah Thomas and signed Jerome James to build a competent and championship-contending NBA team? Wade would be smarter to stay in Miami with an organization that pulls off big trades and makes changes in order to better the team and attempt to compete at the highest level(ex. Shaq from L.A., Shaq to Phoenix for Marion, Marion to Toronto for the other O'Neal). With Pat Riley at the helm, who knows a little about winning championships, Miami is a well-run franchise in one of the biggest markets in the United States. The question should really be, is anywhere else really better then staying in Miami? The question is no. Miami has tons of cap space to be a major player in the 2010 free agency market and can still do work this summer (Allen Iverson anyone?). It is also a very attractive place for free agents to be and, if Wade resigns, it will only make it that more appetizing. Given the Heat's previous willingness to shake things up to build around Wade and win a championship (Editor's note: See the Shaq trade), Wade should give them a chance to really build a contender, and not jump ship for a franchise, the Knicks, that should be seen as a risky move for any big-name player. (Editor's Note: Don't forget about the Nets. They're a skeleton too!)

That's just cold though

3. The Heat aren't such a bad team!: Forget the management and organization of the franchise for a minute. The Miami Heat team itself is two or three players away from being a great team that can concievably contend for a championship (Editor's note: HOMER HOMR HOMER). There are several bright spots on their roster, diamonds in the rough if you will, that can help Wade to his second title:
Michael Beasley- Second overall pick. Diverse offensive game. Put together a great string of games late last season. Matured greatly over the year to the point where he was a regular threat. 2008-2009 averages: 13.9 points, 5.4 rebounds, 1 assist. Needs to work on defense and foot speed. (Editor's note: This was written before his stint in rehab. Get well Beas!)
Mario Chalmers - Steal in the second round. Averaged 10 points, 4.9 assists, 2 steals a game. Formed a great backcourt with Wade. Combined with marksman Chris Quinn to form a pretty good point guard combo. Kept composure during some big moments in his rookie season.
Mark Blount - Hahahaha just kidding, he's rubbish!
Udonis Haslem - A solid, if slightly undersized, power forward. One of the few left from the 2006 championship team. A captain on the team, Haslem averaged around 11 points and 8 rebounds last year while playing against bigger competition. A hometown boy, he is a fan favorite in Miami.
Jermaine O'Neal - Yes, still. Despite being a shadow of his former self, O'Neal can still crank out 20 and 10 games every now and then. A solid big man, O'Neal would still make a great third or fourth option on a revamped Miami team. Doesn't seem to have much left in the tank though, so efforts to add another good big man have to start soon.
Joel Anthony/Jamaal Magloire - They can block shots and play defense at the center position. That's about it. However, wouldn't want to meet either one in a dark alley.
Yes, Miami certainly has several holes on the roster, in both the frontcourt and the backcourt, but they have several serviceable players that can help Miami and Wade in their push for a championship. My suggestion? Sign Allen Iverson to a one-year contract and attempt to trade for Carlos Boozer before the deadline this season. While this is not truly a long term option, especially in the case of 34-year-old Iverson (who is toxic after his latest stint in Detroit), it would keep Wade partially satisfied and still leave room for them to go after another franchise player in the summer of 2010.

Mark Blount was cut from this team

4. You've got a cool persona because of Miami!: Honestly, people love Miami. When you're from Milwaukee, Des Moines, or... Chicago, Miami looks like a golden paradise where it never snows and women are always in bikinis. And you, Dwayne, are quickly becoming the sports star most associated with the Magic City (which, apparently, is Miami's official nickname according to Wikipedia). For a long time, it was Dan Marino. But he's in his mansion now, snacking on Nutrisystem and caressing a deflated football. In those T-Mobile commercials with Charles Barkley, you are always doing something cool, like playing video games or talking to Dwight Howard, while Barkley, the Round Mound of Alot of Pounds, is sucking, horribly, at post-basketball life. With one of the cooler nicknames in the NBA to boot, it can only get better for you Flash. And Miami is the laid-back international hotspot where you can really become a sports legend.

Maybe not as cool as these two, but cool nonetheless

5. This last reason isn't really a reason but rather a quote from the immortal Willard Christopher Smith Jr:

Party in the city, where the heat is on
All night on the beach till the break of dawn
Welcome to Miami
Buenvenidos a Miami
Bouncing in the club where the heat is on
All night on the beach till the break of dawn
I'm goin to Miami
Welcome to Miami

(Editor's note: Really? And now that gets stuck in my head for a week)

This is honestly one of the first pictures that came up on Google when I typed in "Will Smith Miami"

I rest my case.

Back to school with Lebron

2009-08-27T07:20:00.000-07:00

In case you hadn't heard, Lebron is appearing in a back to school special with President Obama and Kelly Clarkson. For me, the icing on the cake is that the program is all about education. according to the article on foxsports: the president says education is the key to people living out their dreams. http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/9954836/Obama,-LeBron-to-appear-in-back-to-school-show

Now, not to nit-pick, but to me, it seems like Lebron is not the ideal candidate to be hosting such a special. After all, Lebron is the same man who in his junior year of high school petitioned to change the NBAs draft eligibility rules so that he could enter the draft before even finishing high school. While the petition didn't work, the sentiment is clear. Lebron didn't need no schoolin.

If this sounds like I'm hating on Lebron, I'm really not. To say Lebron needed to cram for his communications midterm and spend a year soliciting co-eds at Ohio State instead of going straight to the NBA would be more than a little silly. It would be very silly.

very very silly

So Lebron didn't need a rigorous academic background to achieve his dreams. Fine, not a big deal he's a naturally bright guy with amazing ability and astounding physical gifts. So whats the problem? The special is about education. I don't see how having it hosted by Lebron James who honestly, if he was allowed to could have probably dropped out of school in the 8th grade, entered the draft, been a late first round pick and ended up with respectable numbers off the bench is a good example of if you study hard and believe in yourself anything can happen.

In short: Lebron didn't need school to get one of THESE in his basement (old timey bathing suit included)

Of course Lebron is useful in a special like this in other ways. Specifically, you're not Lebron so stay in school. I don't know what this special will consist of but I sincerely hope part of the special involves a hokey scene showing a kid in an outdoor inner city court surrounded by a chain link fence shooting jump shots. Suddenly Lebron speeds by on a Harley Davidson motorcycle (without a helmet because he's fucking Lebron, you're not Lebron so wear a helmet). When he sees the kid he rides up a conveniently placed ramp that sends him sailing over the basketball courts chain link fence and onto the court. He then gets off his Harley and saunters over. When the kid misses a shot Lebron catches the ball and dunks it in. and the kid says "gee Mr James I wish I could play like you." This causes Lebron to laugh heartily as he counters "haha you'll never be able to play like me, I'm Lebron James." at this point Kelly Clarkson and Obama appear (possibly also on Harleys) and in unison drop the specials slogan: "if you're not Lebron stay in school."

Lebron: lets see 11th grade social studies do THIS!

This will lead to this exchange between Obama and the kid.
Kid: why can't I be like Lebron?
Obama: because Lebron is a demi-god and you are just a regular person.
Kid: but that's not fair
Obama: yes but if you study hard you can become the CEO of a major corporation that hires Lebron and then use him to make even more money than you have ever dreamed. *lights dim* And thats what it's all about.

The Bobcats Answer?

2009-08-22T09:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, there's no point in pretending you found out Allen Iverson was going to the Bobcats from this blog (Editor's note: Is that what we're calling it now?). I'm so far away from being an NBA insider, I could be hanging out with Ponyboy and the gang right now (Editor's note: What?).

But I digress. I like the idea of Iverson to the Bobcats.

Granted, it's not as cool as if a bottom of the barrel franchise (Hellooooo Grizzlies!) had signed Allen Iverson, traded for Tracy McGrady, and dug up Steve Francis to create a really depressing "Big 3".

They would do about as well as I did putting this picture together, but I'd watch them.

I'm not going to waste my time putting up Allen Iverson videos or statistics, because anybody who calls themselves a basketball fan should at least know that Iverson, in his prime, was a point scoring beast.

Iverson was also groundbreaking off the court. He took the League by storm with his hip-hop style (and apparently an affinity for shirtless golfing). This is now the 15,567th article about Iverson that mentions he introduced hip-hop to the league (Editor's note: I thought George Mikan did?? Those glasses were BOSS).

In reality, Iverson has been nothing but miserable since he left the Sixers. On sub-par Sixers teams, Iverson was always the victim of poor management. He was loved for carrying these terrible teams (Editor's note: Calling Eric Snow.....). On the Nuggets, with a semi-decent supporting cast (Read: Nene) and a budding All-Star in Carmelo Anthony, Iverson's inability to find success was met with a little more scrutiny. However, it was the Detroit fiasco that exacerbated the problem and put Iverson on the Stephon Marbury Memorial List of Tainted NBA Players.

Shirtless Iverson picture number two (sans golf clubs). Begin to feel uncomfortable (Editor's note: More like continue).

If my gut is correct, Iverson's tenure on inferior teams was a fate Iverson only thought he hated. His time on talented teams, especially as he aged, did not seem to bode well for him.

You have to let Iverson be Iverson. If Iverson does join the Bobcats, he will have a lot of freedom to be Iverson (especially with Larry Brown down there). This is good timing considering Iverson will be on the warpath, going after all the teams and fans that said he was done or not worth the ink on the free agent contract.

He will drive with such tenacity that even Gerald Wallace will cringe in fear. No, he won't win a ring. But it will be a damn good show (Editor's note: And isn't that what it's really about? No? Oh well...)

He's Gonna Make a Youtube Star Out of Me!

2009-08-16T09:56:00.000-07:00

If the majority of my day wasn't taken up by being a millionaire playboy, I would probably spend today making a video where I ask everyone to: "Leave Stephon alone" (Editor's note: Underneath covers wearing eyeliner?)

Sadly, I just don't have that kind of time.

Thats right. I am a Stephon Marbury fan. This piece of information usually gets me some strange looks (Editor's Note: More like sympathetic glances).

You like who? Him? Really?

I mean after all, how could I like him? The guy can't play. He's a spoiled brat and a cancer to a team. To top it off, he's crazy!

At least that's what the rest of the world seems to claim. The latest bashing has to do with Marbury's latest viral videos.

I'd like to meander off this topic (Editor's note: Dear god no....), only briefly, to state that the current ways we market players can't compete with the early 90s hokey way. In the old days, before the Internet had taken over our lives and was so widespread any idiot with nothing but the clothes on his back and a dream could start a blog (Editor's note: Talking about no one in particular right?), NBA players didn't make viral videos or "tweet" to their fans. We also couldn't scrutinize them like we do today. Unless it was on ESPN or the news, an NBA player on television and, by extension, in our homes would be on a carefully planned commercial, a talk show or TV show cameo (Editor's note: Those Jordan and Bird commercials were planned? I though they just engaged in random games of H-O-R-S-E whenever they caught sight of one another). These interactions still happen today but it was a far different system.

Allow me to explain:

The following will make no sense (Editor's Note: Does any of it make sense?)

In the early 90s, "Lol Cats" would be a Saturday morning cartoon about 4 kittens that get into mischief (IDEA COPYRIGHTED BY FOX TELEVISION). It would completely miss the point and be a shameless cash-in on the famous website. Would the world be a worse place for this cartoon existing? Would anyone get hurt? No.

The 90s could make a cartoon about anything. Truly a lost art.

Heck, in the early 90s, Lebron and Shaqtus would have had an early morning cartoon where every episode they would solve petty crimes in Cleveland and learn the value of friendship (Editor's note: "Hey, bad guy, tell me how my ass tastes"). Mo Williams would routinely get trapped in boxes and closets before being rescued and Shaq would laugh heartily to close each episode (I'm already working on the pilot). Would it have been very good? Definitely not. There would now be Youtube clips of a scene where Lebron harps to Varejao about the joys of visiting the local library and wearing a helmet whenever on a bicycle (Editor's note: One would think his hair would provide enough protection). The world would laugh at the constant Nike plugins and quickly forget it ever existed.

There's nothing funny about fire safety

At the very least that Lebron puppet would have hosted the MTV Music Awards or something.

Haha I'm funny and I'm Lebron even though Nike executives designed me through focus groups. LOVE ME! PLEASE LOVE ME!

My point is the way players were marketed and exposed to the public was very different before the Internet. Now, we are all about constant connection between the player and fan through Twitter and viral videos. The world has changed. Furthermore, these days I now eagerly anticipate "Lol Cat, The Movie" starring Nicholas Cage (which will be done completely in CGI of course).

Except with explosions. Big, Michael Bay explosions.

I now eagerly await Kobe Bryant's new online ad campaign where he dunks over a tiger pit filled with death row convicts who have been promised their freedom if they kill Kobe (Hyperdunks help him succeed) (Editor's note: Wouldn't the tigers eat the convicts?) . Any corniness is now done on purpose, and everyone's in on the joke (What's the fun in that?).

Now, athletes are our friends. Our more successful and talented friends that we secretly envy and want to destroy. Have the evil corporations sulked away and accepted our wishes? Of course not. They have just changed shapes and found new ways to slink into our homes, and package their "products" (Editor's note: Where is this article going?). In the old days, to make a bad movie or launch a lame ad campaign was embarrassing, but it was also soon forgotten. These days, a online video will be electronically remembered for eternity.

This is less embarrassing than eating Vaseline? I'd call it a tie

This isn't some old man's rant against the status quo. This is the beginning of a very long and complicated plea for Stephon Marbury's NBA career (Editor's note: Finally).

It's safe to say Stephon has made some poor choices

Let us start with the latest Youtube videos that Marbury has been releasing as of late. Is he acting foolish in these videos? Undoubtedly. That is not up for debate. What I don't understand is why we must grab our torches and pitchforks and march to his home, clamoring for blood. After watching a few of his videos, I saw fan interaction that was very pure with little desire for material gain. The videos came off as well meaning, but very poorly executed. A misguided attempt at connecting with fans he has never completely won over throughout his career. Heck, these videos are so far from a cool, calculating video prepared by a room full of executives that they are almost beautiful (Editor's note: In a gross, pitiful sort of way). Would a guy like Lebron ever expose himself like this to his fans? I would bet my house it wouldn't happen (Editor's note: Lebron sees your house and raises you one Akron, Ohio). The closest Marbury has come to plugging a product in these videos is waving Vaseline around before he proceeds to eat it. Are these videos hard to watch? Yes, that also isn't up for discussion. Judging from the Youtube comments, most people agree. However, in these videos, I also see a guy who wants to be loved by people he doesn't have to care about. He's rich and, if he had kept his mouth shut, had enough talent to get the minimum from a contender.

"But Horn!" you cry, "This is really hard to watch!!" I nod in silence.....

Clearly, Stephon Marbury is no Kazaam O'Neal when it comes to being loved while acting like a goof. Heck, he's not even a Chris Bosh or Steve Nash. Heck, he's not even a Baron Davis when it comes to putting up Youtube videos. Guys like Deshawn Stevenson are too pedestrian in their Youtube entries to even be considered.

Bottom of the barrel of NBA Youtube posters.

Baron Davis may have had problems with Don Nelson and play terribly on the Clippers. Shaq may have destroyed the Suns and proved that his ego is almost bigger than he is. Nash may be a "system player" (Lies!). Bosh may actually be a second banana wearing a superstar's robes. However, we still enjoy their videos. The king of all these guys would have to be Shaq.

this is amazing.

A close second would have to be Nash who, while not great, doesn't try to do too much.

Shaq has now come out and made fun of Marbury's videos (He essentially just laughs at them). Brendan Haywood has also called Marbury gay. What I see is Marbury trying to be like the Big Self-Promoter. He is trying to make a worthy video to show another side of him. However, he's not good at it (Editor's note: He needs a crash course at the Rick Astley School of Internet Humdrummery). It's a shame Shaq called him out, because I think Marbury could use some pointers.

What makes Shaq so good is he plays it right. He's big and tall so to see him lipsynching a love song or break dancing is hilarious. Steve Nash is an unathletic, white point guard so by acting cocky in Vitaminwater ads, when we all know he isn't, is also funny (Editor's note: Steve Nash is pretty athletic but still white).

Stephon just needs to find his niche. I believe Shaq could have pulled off a dance to "Barbie Girl", but Shaq is Shaq. He's one of a kind. The ironic thing is a focus group and some help from a public relations team would help improve Marbury's videos. However, these were things the creation of Youtube and Twitter was meant to change and make more obsolete.

From leaving Minnesota due to his ego, to never winning a playoff series, to the sex scandal in New York, and the misadventure in Boston, Marbury hasn't been good at winning us over. At least he's trying. That's more than we can say for many other NBA players we have loved over the years.

I probably shouldn't give Marbury any ideas.

I guess I can't fault anyone for laughing at Marbury's videos after all that he's done to fan bases. However, I feel sorry for him and appreciate he's trying to win me over (when he could be in the Bahamas right now with enough women to begin his own WNBA team).

E for effort.

Ok, I'm going to gloss over his admittance to smoking weed because I don't really care. Do you really believe Josh Howard, Stephon and Damon Stoudomire are the only guys in the League hotboxing a hotel room while Birdman twirls glowsticks in the corner?

But what about Stephon Marbury the player?

http://www.nba.com/playerfile/stephon_marbury/career_stats.html

To show you his ridiculous statistics or highlight videos would be pointless. After all, the knock against him is that he is a locker room cancer (Editor's note: The malignant kind, not the "He just needs some candy and playing time" Lamar Odom-benign kind). To pretend I can give you a definitive answer on what he's been doing in locker rooms for the last 13 years would be a lie.

However, let's pretend he has done all those heinous things we think he has to sour teams. Fine, he was once a very talented but imperfect player. To say Stephon post-New York hasn't had an epiphany and 180 turn around in character would be difficult to prove. He hasn't played much since. But he did get signed by the Celtics after being vouched for by Kevin Garnett. Stephon was the consummate pro. Playing limited minutes, despite being used to being a star, Marbury backed up Rondo and was a good bench guy.

Granted, the Celtics didn't resign him but that could be for any number of reasons. Last year, Rondo had a breakout year in the playoffs and Ray Allen experienced a resurgence in the Chicago series. They were both hot and that meant no room for Starbury last year. Stephon, much like Allen Iverson, isn't much good in limited minutes. It's all or nothing with these guys. The guy can play and showed he can be a good soldier as well (Editor's note: Major Marbury).

Unless you really believe he has no talent left, you can't say his attitude wasn't great on the Celtics. Why shouldn't he get another chance? Because he can't make me laugh? Because once upon a time he was a problem player? Is it character issues?

What a dick

He's done more charity work than a bunch of guys in the League and started the Starbury brand to help poorer kids wear nice basketball shoes. To me, Stephon seems misunderstood. Some of his actions are indefensible, but I do see a genuine effort to improve from Stephon.

(Editor's note: Er... the opinions voiced by.. some authors do not reflect the ..uhh.... ideas of Spherical Studies as a whole. Thank you. Please don't hurt us)

Centers of Attention

2009-08-07T17:15:00.000-07:00

The state of the center in the West is woefully weak and, honestly, completely open for one center to rise and dominate. Who is the next big center to rise out of the West and hold down the post? Here are all the candidates:

Denver Nuggets: Nene Hilarious, the infamous Birdman
Minny Timberwolves: Ryan "Deck the" Hollins, Oleksiy Pecherov (Editor's note: Really? I thought he was still living in the bowels of the Verizon Center), Darius Songaila
Oklahoma City Thunder: Nenad Krstic, Etan Thomas, Blowjob Mullens, Nick Collison
Portland Trailblazers: Old Man Oden, Joel Pryzbilla
Dallas Mavericks: Ericka Dampier, Nathan "AUSTRALIA!" Jawai
Houston Rockets: umm..... David Andersen?
Golden State Warriors: Andris Biedrins
Phoenix Suns: That Other Lopez Boy, Channing Frye
Memphis Grizzlies: Hamed Haddadi, Marc Gasol, Hasheem Thabeet, Steven Hunter
San Antonio Spurs: Theo Ratliff, Ian Mahinmi (I'm not counting Tim Duncan)
New Orleans Hornets: Emeka Okafor, Hilton Armstrong
L.A. Clippers: The Camby Man, Caveman Kaman (Editor's Note: No love for Mad Dog?)
Utah Jazz: Jarron Collins, Kyrylo Fesenko, Kosta "Mangas" Koufos, Goran Suton, Mehmet Okur, Steven Nass
L.A. Lakers: Andrew Bynum, Dunk On Mbenga, Josh Powell (Editor's Note: Pau?)
Sacramento Kings: Jason Thompson, Spencer Hawes

With Shaqtastic (Editor's note: 29 points!) in Cleveland, Yao in a hospital, and Tyson Chandler in the Second House that Mike Built, the lineup of Western Conference centers appears woefully thin. Unlike in the East, where Dwight holds down the center position, the place atop the pile of Western Conference centers is seemingly open for one player to dominate. While some teams run five deep at center, like the Jazz (who seem to have stockpiled every tall white player in the Association), other teams, like Yao's Rockets or the Setting Suns, are bereft of any talent, or warm bodies for that matter, at the center position.

Yao's worried. Are you?

What this means is that young centers, like Greg Oden, Marc Gasol, and Andrew Bynum (who has seemingly been around for 10 years now), have the ability to improve their team, their game, and possibly make a Western Conference All-Star team.

However, I see the future of the Western Conference center coming down to five individuals:

1. Greg Oden - When will the potential come through? After recovering from major knee surgery and his phobia of getting off a couch too quickly, Oden did contribute around 9 points and 7 rebounds to the Trailblazers last year. In high school and at Ohio State, Oden was a monster that destroyed the competition. However, once he got to the League, his lack of offensive ability, slow feet, and penchant for fouling were all exposed and this limited his playing time. However, if he keeps working on the offensive end and focuses on what the Blazers need from him (specifically defense, blocked shots, and no foul trouble), Oden could become a key contributer, hell even a Dikembe Mutumbo-esque All-Star, on that exciting team. With the addition of Andre Miller and the inevitable elevation of Brandon Roy to superstar status, Oden should get more opportunities to learn and grow, while also getting some, just some, of the pressure off of him. Plus, his backup, Joel Pryzbilla, is one of my favorite centers and one of the most underrated big men in the league. If Oden is not performing, Nate McMillan should threaten to play Pryzbilla more and set a fire under Oden's feet.

No Greg, we want you!

2. Andris Biedrins - Andy B has been the only center on the Warriors for about the past five years and his importance to the team cannot be stressed enough. With 32 guards and 45 wing players, the Warriors need some kind of post presence that Biedrins certainly provides. After averaging about 11 points and 11 rebounds last season, with a couple of standout high-rebound performances, Biedrins can only improve this coming season with the high-volume shooters in Don Nelson's frantic offense. At 6'11 and 245 pounds, Biedrins certainly has the size to compete and also has the ability, with a growing offensive game and a tenacious rebounding ethic. Despite looking like a Latvian velociraptor, Biedrins certainly has the game and hopefully will gain some more recognition as the Warriors make a push for the postseason.

The new odd couple

3. Nene Hilario - Much like Biedrins, Nene benefits from playing in a high-powered offense with alot of shots and alot of run-n'-gun (When you play with J.R. Smith, Kenyon Martin, and Carmelo Anthony, you are bound to catch some rebounds caroming off the rim). After averaging almost 15 points and 8 rebounds last year, Nene is a true warrior, battling back from cancer and serious injuries to be a big contributer to a team that made the Western Conference finals last year. A big, powerful center, Nene also has a tough streak that has come out along with this new psuedo-defensive mindset that has replaced the previously Swiss Cheese Nuggets defense. Also, after playing in 370 regular and 34 playoff games, Nene is certainly one of the most experienced centers in the Western Conference, despite missing alot of time with injuries. If he can stay fully healthy this coming season, Nene will certainly be a force in the Western Conference and the rest of the League.

Nene's "Copacabana Fresh" look

4. Andrew Bynum - Yes, I know. Bynum. His name makes the Playboy Mansion tremble on it's foundation and Laker fans to pull their hair out, dreaming about him actually fulfulling his percieved potential and helping the Lakers to 13 straight championships. I have to say, I think Bynum will eventually mature and find his real role on the Laker team. Right now, it seems Bynum is more focused on scoring, indulging himself in L.A., and trying to be the "star" of the team. However, Bynum has to understand that the Lakers already have enough offense but desperately need some defense and enforcement from the center position. If he learns that, and fulfills it, the Lakers are truly dangerous. And even though Bynum is overpaid, he can still live up to his massive 4-year, $58 million dollar contract by cutting down on fouls, dedicating most of his energy to defense, and have Kareem Abdul Jabbar talk him to sleep at night. After averaging 14 and 8 last season, including a breakout 42-point, 15-rebound game against the Clippers, Bynum certainly has the ability to dominate the post with his 7'0, 285 pound frame. Now that Kobe no longer wants to ship his ass out, maybe he can finally get down to business and keep doing his hardcore workouts to strengthen his knee and keep healthy. Wilt to Kareem. Kareem to Shaq. Shaq to Bynum? Only time will tell.

Aren't they cute?

5. Jason Thompson - Even though he plays for the Kings, he does actually have a bright future (Editor's note: A shooting star coming out of a collapsing black hole). Averaging 11 and 7 last year, Thompson seems like that kind of player who keeps his head down and works on his game. Drafted out of a small college (Rider), Thompson seems like a hard-working character who will become a good 20 and 10 guy sooner than people think. I mean hell, he plays for the Kings. They might as well pour their resources into him and build him up into an All-Star. What do they have to lose? He also has the talented Spencer Hawes behind him that will create some good competition and some kind of basketball arm's race, a dangerous push to the brink that will eventually cause Beno Udrih and Jon Brockman to disappear into the depths of ARCO Arena. I am pulling for Thompson because I think he is in a great place to grow and develop his already expanding skill set.

That's gotta hurt

Now this is not to say that these are the only "good" centers in the West. Mehmet Okur, Emeka Okafor, Chris Kaman etc. will get their stats and contribute to their teams (and will definitely be in the playoff picture with their respective squads). However, I think these five centers are the future of the position in the Western Conference and will be contributing to their teams for years to come.

Why I am excited for October 27th, 2009

2009-08-07T11:36:00.000-07:00

October 27th is rapidly becoming my new favorite day of the year (right after December 25th and March 44th). Is it because it is the 300th day of the year? Not exactly (Editor's Note: It should be National Bowling Day). Is it because I celebrate the birthday of John Davis Long, the 32nd Governor of Massachusetts, who was born on that day in 1838?!? Highly unlikely.

Terribly sorry, John Long (WARNING: Repeated viewing of this picture will cause the mental image of Mr. Long in long johns to be stuck in your head)

No, October 27th is repidly becoming my new favorite day this year because it marks the start of the 2009-2010 NBA season, which is shaping up to be one of the most interesting, compelling seasons in league history.

Let me preface my opinions by acknowledging that this "best ever" or "greatest ever" claim is thrown around a little too much in today's sports world. It is almost impossible to compare different eras in sports because of many other mitigating factors that have drastically changed the sport over the years. However, that doesn't mean that something can't be the "best ever" nowadays. This upcoming NBA season, in my opinion, has several great storylines and is shaping up to be supremely interesting (Editor's Note: Nice way of dodging a bullet there).

Now, as a fan of the NBA, I LOVE trades and I LOVE the offseason because it makes me feel optimistic about the future to come (The Grizzlies making the playoffs? Why not! Let's go REALLY crazy!)

This offseason has been marked with big trades (Shaq for a Big Ben Blowup Doll and Sasha "Fierce" Pavlovic, Vincent Lamar Carter for Courtney Lee and company, etc.) and big signings (Ron "The past WAS the past, dammit!" Artest by the Lake Show, Charlie Villanueva and Ben "Stop! Or My Ben Will Shoot!" Gordon by Dumar's Pistons, Rasheed Wallace by the suckers..uh..Celtics etc.), which definitely adds an extra "unknown" quality and excitement to the season. Will Shaq help Lebron to a title? Will Ron Artest's enlarged and excitable hypothalamus be massaged by Phil Jackson's Zen technique? Will Rasheed's coming to Boston cause ESPN anchor's heads to explode from overuse of the phrase "Boston T Party"? Will Big Ben and Sasha Pavlovic form the inside-outside combo that Phoenix has been desperately looking for???

Big trades and big signings during the summer always make for an interesting season in the fall, but another reason why this season will be great is because of the superstars in the Association and the improved posses around them. Kobe, after nearly leaving L.A. for Chicago a few years ago, is back with an even more potent supporting cast. Lebron can finally silence some of the haters and win that all-important championship (Editor's Note: But then would he have to escape the Shaq shadow like Kobe?). Kevin Garnett has a fire in his eyes and a hunger that MUST BE SATIATED. I think he might actually combust one of these days.

This new NBA season will also be great because many of the superstars of the League are all on improved teams that are literally neck-in-neck when it comes to the championship race. I can see the Lakers, Cavaliers, Celtics, Magic, and even Old Man Duncan and his rangy band of outlaws taking the title this year.

Even other teams like the Jazz, the Blazers, and those spunky Thunder...err... Thunders... can all concievably make some noise this coming year. So while the League will inevitably fold in the summer of 2010, when all NBA players will be signed by the Knicks and forced to play on James Dolan's Fantastical Flying Transatlantic Basketball Gymnasium and Wonder Emporium, at least we can enjoy the season to come.

Coming Up A Little Shorts

2009-08-03T07:43:00.000-07:00

How did we used to be able to pull this off?

Maybe this blog won't make much sense but I feel like I have to get it off my chest.
I was always impressed by John Stockton's refusal to "upgrade" his shorts to a more "hip" length. John was in the League past the year 2000 mark but despite all the changes to basketball that had been ushered in with the new millenium John never did change his shorts. Even as all his teammates wore baggy shorts, he never did.

Fight the power John

(Editor's Note: WHO WEARS SHORT SHORTS? STOCKTON WEARS SHORT SHORTS!)

This is not to suggest that I was so impressed I decided to start wearing them myself (the way other kids copy Lebron's headband or Dirk Nowitzki's crazed man look). No, I was simply impressed that this man wasn't bowing down to the pressure of conformity and "uniformity" (pun acknowledged regardless of my intention). The man liked his short shorts.

A wide degree of movement was offered

But maybe it was so much more than simply a fashion statement, or a feeling of comfort. Maybe John Stockton, in his short shorts circa 2001-2002, represented the previous era of basketball. I'm sure there was many reasons he opted to retire. I don't know the man, and am not in his head but I could guess his age played a factor. The Jazz's chances of winning was probably a factor as well. While John Stockton didn't have a ring, he had little else to prove. He will be remembered as one of the greatest point guards the League has ever seen (Editor's Note: If not THE greatest). Maybe, just maybe, another factor was those shorts. His style of dress undoubtedly clashed with his peers and maybe it made him feel like this wasn't his league anymore. It was his time to pass the torch and let the new generation take over the league, his work was done. It was time for him to hang the shorts up.

There was a lot to like about the short-shorts era (I can't believe I'm discussing this)

There's something funny about the sport that used to showcase some of the world's tallest athletes donning such shorts. It is also funny that the short shorts era(s) (it really should be plural because every era before this one was short shorts)were also the roughest eras. Don't be fooled by the shorts, these guys were tough. They weren't afraid of a little scuffle either:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7r6vXeOfyQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3tc7TXMBT8&feature=related

Manly men

If I'm right then the shorts difference can represent many things in NBA culture that will never be the same again. Just like Kobe and the Lakers couldn't last a whole game in what Magic, Kareem and Worthy wore for their whole careers, could we really imagine them in this day and age?

Let's never speak of this again (Editor's Note: Kevin Robert McHale Swift?)

Honestly, for obvious reasons, I prefer the current look to the old one. It's times like this that I start to imagine Larry Bird with a grill and a tattoo saying "Pure Baller" (which I wish I could photoshop). I guess my point, if I have one, is Kobe couldn't look any more ridiculous in the retro outfit, but imagining guys like John Stockton, Larry Bird, Kareem and Magic in anything but their ridiculous shorts is laughable. John Stockton didn't lie to himself about who he was. He knew he was part of a different era and that these new kids had to define their own style and looks to make the League truly their own (or maybe I just thought it would be funny to put up these pics).

A Rising Yue

2009-08-01T10:35:00.000-07:00

You may have heard, or you may have not that 6'9 PG Sun Yue got waived by the Lakers after being integral to their championship run. (Ok maybe not) But still this is a 6'9 point guard we are talking about who's still only 23. The man should be picked up by someone.
http://www.nba.com/2009/news/07/31/sun.lakers.ap/index.html?rss=true

For starters, he's Chinese and he's a really tall guard. Aren't teams always trying to appeal to the Asian market? (See Yi Jianlian) If it's so hard to market big men who can come off "stiff" or "not Shaqtastic", shouldn't this massive PG (or SF with court vision) be a godsend to some team?

Something tells me he won't be as difficult to sign some place like Milwaukee (like Yi Jianlian was), given he doesn’t seem to be being coddled by the Chinese government. So we can agree you probably will sell a lot of jerseys to Chinese fans and he probably could be a crowd favourite, even if he's only a bit player. I don't know if this happened in LA but on a worse team he probably gets a few more minutes and a little more exposure. I mean how did we not get a ton of stories last year on how this is a 6'9 pg in LA? is his relative mystique a positive or a negative?

Imagine if he could play also?

I'm not going to sit here and pretend I actually know if he can or can't considering I haven't watched much Chinese basketball latley, so thats for the scouts to determine.
But still he can't be awful he got pretty good all around numbers in the D-League. 9.8 ppg, 3.3 rpg, 3.7 apg, 1.3 spg, and 2.3 bpg
(http://www.nba.com/dleague/playerfile/index.jsp?player=sun_yue)
and a casual Wikipedia search shows me he has the same name as a warlord which can't hurt. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sun_Yue_(warlord)) (Editor's note: "The Warlord" would be a badass nickname for him). Actually I don't know what to make of that.

I can say I've been enticed since I heard about this guy, without much knowledge I'd encourage someone to take a chance on him and keep him in the League. If he does find a new home (I think he will) I do plan on watching him and forming a more educated opinion about him.

Links of Sun Yue:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ormv2NhVDPk&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1pvpnuZ_Vk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8NXJ8jW8JE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gL1Of7wCHO4

Now if only Yuta Tabuse could get signed. (more on him another time)

links of Yuta: (japanese PG)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nuc1iBqe3Z4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1lJ0T33Nwo

Financial Crisis

2009-07-31T10:08:00.000-07:00

uh-oh...

The financial crisis messed everything up. It rocked the world and left us an insecure wreck. As a result, NBA teams are cutting costs and trying to stay afloat...fine it sucks, but it has to be done so teams don't fold (Like the Grizzlies). These teams can be forgiven. The Suns, however, cannot be forgiven. With or without Merrill Lynch, the Suns have always been a rock when it comes to being cheap. No player was ever affordable enough to be guaranteed a secure future in Phoenix. The option of shipping a talented veteran or talented rookie for a future pick and cash considerations was always available to the Suns. As a Suns sympathizer, this was always very frustrating for me (to call myself a fan would be a little strong. To be honest I jumped the Suns bandwagon when the Suns started doing the running, gunning thing, always following the players not the franchise. I was only absolved for this sin because I was new to the League and thus could not have liked them earlier. This also coupled with the fact that I would have liked the Suns earlier because I'm a huge Starbury fan...more on this another time)

Watching Joe Johnson leave, Rajon Rondo, Deng, Nate, and Fernandez never suit up became sad when you would watch them flourish on other teams and then find out they could have been catching Nash passes in Phoenix.

Nash probably also throws you the Slam Dunk contest pass better than Pau, Rudy

It was made more frustrating due to the Suns success and new exciting rebellious style. They were rock 'n' roll and scoffed at by the older, established hoop heads who harangued their lack of defense and half-court sets.

This is not your parents NBA

The Suns were fun to watch and to root for. Like is always the case with the Suns, talent was never the problem. It was always money, always letting talent walk, and unwilling to pay for them to stay. For this reason, every time the Suns fell short in the playoffs, it was hard not to wonder "What if they just had kept Joe Johnson, or had Rondo to back up Nash" or "What if the Spurs team bus had mysteriously crashed" (Editors note: Mysteriously eh?). You never want a basketball game to be determined by dollar bills and I will always believe "flight" would have succeeded over "might" if Rondo and Joe Johnson had been on the team these last few years. It may have cost a lot, but the team would have been remembered for eternity. Long after basketball as a sport would have been forgotten in some post-apocalyptic future where Leandro Barbosa has become a prophet, legends would still describe the group of men that would run past others and put an orange ball in a hoop faster than everyone else (Some of the magic would be lost in the retelling).

If only we'd listened to Dr. Manhatten...

This rant notwithstanding I don't believe you need me to tell you the Suns are cheap. Everyone knows this. I'm here to talk about just how cheap they really are.

The extension the Suns were so kind to bestow upon Mr. Stephen John Nash (http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=4341269) may be seen as a step in the right direction and a step back from the cost cutting ways of yore. A commitment to winning now, instead of never. A sign that the Suns office have taken a moment from there busy schedules of clipping coupons, dodging bill collectors and loan sharks to right the sinking ship that is the Suns and take another stab at making the finals. I beg to differ. This is yet another cheap move by the Suns. $22 million for Steve Nash is a price they have to pay to remain relevant without spending enough to win a championship. With the right coach, Steve Nash, Amare and a rag tag motley crue of overlooked guys willing to run and shoot (good luck finding anyone like that). Fun can be had once more. Someone realized that if you put Steve Nash on the court and tell him to run the ball, he'll get someone an easy shot. You don't have to sign the other guys necessary to win a championship, just fulfill the aforementioned requirements and you have yourself a fun team that people talk about....but not a team that will go all the way. It may tease, but never succeed.

Heck, put Steve Nash with 4 hobos if you really want to save some money (Editors note: They already have a couple of bums on the roster). I'm guessing they'd be willing to work for less, and they would be scabs, not members of the players union so you wouldn't have to pay for a dental plan. Tell them to run and at least one of them makes the All-star team. They could also conceivably secure an 8 seed in the West as long as one of those hobos has a decent lefty hook shot and another one is one of those "glue-guy hustle" hobos. They could even sleep in the changing rooms and they wouldn't complain about flying commercial! I'm not saying Nash is a miracle worker, but when you have Nash and he gets to run, something magical does happen. Before someone in the Suns front office shouts out "That’s brilliant! Hobos!" there are two flaws with my suggestion: a) the Suns are a West Coast team in a very tough division, so you would probably need a crunch-time shooting hobo to help Nash out at the end of games and b) they probably don't win a playoff series. Unless lefty hook hobo also has a mean streak but refrains from shiving anyone.

Steve Kerr tried some things (traded for Shaqtus, shopped Amare, fired D'antoni). These moves, good or bad, rocked the boat and challenged the status quo. Despite his efforts to mix it up and help the Suns win, which I considered admirable (even though it wasn't rock 'n' roll anymore but who cares that was a dumb analogy and this is still basketball), he wasn't able to convince anyone to loosen the purse strings and commit to total change in the name of victory. So it seems to me, when his moves didn't pan out, it became clear "we don't have the money to win, so lets just do what works and have some laughs while we still can." So Shaq was traded, for expiring contracts and possibly some drying racks and solar panels to save some cash on the electric bill, and the Suns will start running again... this time, without a cause. This cost cutting is half assing the running. Couldn't they have made a move for Tyrus Thomas or Tyson Chandler, two players made for the running game? Give the Suns a real identity as "that running, gunning team" with a roster tailor made for it. But despite these flaws, we will laugh and then we will cry when the Suns make an early exit from the playoffs. The tears will really begin to flow when come February, Barbosa is being shipped to Cleveland along with every Suns player's first born child for a suitcase full of unmarked bills and a 2015 conditional 2nd round pick (which will be immediately traded elsewhere for cash considerations).
Nash, Amare, Grant "Over the" Hill, Jason Richardson (and some new stars to benefit from Nash's passing and the running game TBA) will have some fun, make some noise and ultimately fall flat come playoff time. It's sad because we will never know if this squad could have worked. I'm still going to root for them though, especially because they signed Channing Frye. It's still basketball so anything can happen.

L.A. Lakers: More stacked than the Pyramids

2009-07-30T14:59:00.000-07:00

In a completely understandable, cruelly dragged-out, and wholly inevitable move, Lamar Odom has resigned with the Los Angeles Lakers for four years and $33 million. So while the Miami Heat get shortchanged again and are left with a couple of rooks, Mark "The Jack Artist" Blount, and the ghost of Jermaine O'Neal at the forward positions, the Lakers get that much more dangerous and have to be the easy pick to win the chip again next season.

A bit early to make a prediction? Possibly. But it is always fun. I have always liked Odom's game, even back when he was dying in Clipperdom.

While the "next Magic" moniker may have been a little much, Odom's diverse and exciting game adds a definitely kick to the Lakers lineup. People hate on Odom because of his percieved lack of focus but maybe winning another championship knocked some sense into his head and showed him the true rewards of actually paying attention during NBA games.

But what will the Laker lineup be? The possibilities truly are fascinating. Fisher, Bryant, Artest, Gasol, Bynum? Fisher, Bryant, Artest, Odom, Gasol?? Sasha Vujacic by himself, shooting threes from the half-court line????? Mind-boggling! What they need now though is some team chemistry and good vibrations. Phil Jackson better pull out his "How to deal with Dennis Rodman" pamphlet and adapt it for this diverse team (is Jack Haley still around?)

The re-signing of Odom does make the Lakers the favorites for next year's championship (sorry Boston fans) and solidifies an already strong team. However the Lakers next season turns out though, Chinemelu Elonu is still the best name in the NBA.

A Little Introduction

2009-07-30T11:10:00.000-07:00

Everyone likes sports. Everyone talks about sports. However, it takes a true maniac to broadcast their sports ideas over the Internet. The blog is named "Spherical Studies" because it is a detailed study, funded by the EPA, into the minute and incredibly interesting details of basketball (we wish). Inane predictions? You'll find them here (Grizzlies= 2010 Champs!). DAA (Disgusting Athlete Ass-Kissing) Syndrome? You'll find it here as well (Dwyane Wade....)

A once-in-a-blue-moon lucid thought about American (and occasionally international) professional and amateur basketball? Why not. Crazier things HAVE happened (here's looking at you Starbury). Most of all, it's just a fun take on the wide world of ball.