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Lebron James is not Jesus

So you're a Cleveland Cavaliers fan, weeping and burning jerseys, as you realize you lost yet another chance at a championship (Editor's note: This probably stings more than the franchise givng $70 million to Larry Hughes right? It's a toss up). Meanwhile, Lebron James is in South Beach getting fanned with palm leaves by Cuban-American models.

And you wonder why he left?

Now first things first, let me establish that I will not be a fan of the Miami Heat in this coming season (Editor's note: Be assured Professor J will continue his team-wide man crush).

You may think it's because I have principles and morals. However, I'm afraid it's never that simple, not with me. Yes, I won't support them in part because I wish Lebron James had went to his own team and dominated. It's not really because of that.

The real reason is because I have a thing for "conflicted and brooding" teams. I'm like that girl who always picks the wrong guy, goes for the bad boy type and then ends up getting hurt (Editor's note: God, that is so me).

 Dikembe would never stand for that analogy, not in his house.

Take that girl and make it a sports fan and that's me. I'm a fan of Darko Milicic and the Minnesota Timberwolves. It's pretty obvious I don't go for the right kind of team. (Editor's note: KAHNNNNNNNNNNNN!)

Moving on, I understand what Cavaliers fans are going through. By that I mean, I understand in the way people back stateside understood what Vietnam vets went through. Meaning: I can nod empathetically and really have no idea. (Editor's note: aka the ESPN Talking Head Way)

When KG left Minnesota, I was happy for him and happy for us. He was an amazing player but honestly, I derived no pleasure from watching KG waste his prime years on mediocre Wolves teams (Editor's note: Are you dissing Sprewell? Don't diss Sprewell). When he was traded to the Celtics, I was glad. It was time for him to move on. 

Cavs fans must feel like Marko Jaric if he lost Adriana Lima. Devastated. (Editor's note: LOOK AT THE EYES) 

Get a prenup! (Editor's note: One that guarantees a model of half-hotness as a bounce back girl)

I read a lot of what Cavaliers fans said in reaction to Lebron's departure (Editor's note: and Cavaliers beat writers. Here's looking at you Windhorst). I also read what owner Dan Gilbert wrote about James as well. All I can say is....yikes. They're heart wrenching but lets try and keep the statements in perspective. A lot of them went something like this:

"I'm hurt and angry. I can't believe Lebron left! We treated him like a King and for what? We gave him everything and he left us!!! We're the victims here! AHHH The SHOT BY JORDAN! EHLO! EHLOOOO!!!!".

I empathize with this perspective but I also understand that it is a skewed perception of reality. The Cavaliers truly were a monarchy. The team was Lebron and not much else. (Editor's note: I think somebody is forgetting about Drew "Monster Mash" Gooden!!) 

Things never even got this good till LBJ's last year...THINK ABOUT IT!

Allow me to take you back to the glorious yea of 2004 (Editor's note: with a Red Bull in my hand and Petey Pablo on the radio). You've had LBJ for one year now, it's quite clear he's mind numbingly good and you could win copious rings with him. It's now time to start drafting smart and building a Thunder-esque team around him (they didn't exist yet but the fact that they are the example to follow shows that the Cavs fucked up badly). It shouldn't be TOO hard. After all you have Lebron freaking James. LBJ could lead the cast of "Glee" to the Finals if he really felt like it. 
We each have 6 fouls to give Lebron!(Editor's note: They also wouldn't.... stop...BELIEVINGGGGG)

Just grab a good young player to pair with Lebron. Someone Lebron can grow old with. He doesn't even have to be amazing, just someone young who can contribute. 2004 was a good year for this. This draft wasn't weak. 

Alright Cavs, you're on the clock, time to make a choice. At your spot you can draft the following players (In the order, they were drafted following the Cavs pick): Andris Biedrins, Al Jefferson, Josh Smith, J.R. Smith, Jameer Nelson, Delonte West, Tony Allen, Kevin Martin, Sasha Vujacic, Beno Udrih, Trevor Ariza and Vassilis Spanoulis. (Editor's note: I couldn't believe this and had to Wikipedia it. And it's all true. Funniest part of the 2004 draft? The Timberwolves forfieted the 30th pick because of salary cap violations. Sorry, BH...)

Oh yeah and Luke Jackson. Luke Jackson's available also (Editor's note: I think you mean potential All-star Luke Jackson). I mean, I guess you can go with Luke if you really want to....I mean look it's your team. But there's a lot of other good players in this draft. Are you sure? Alright. Luke Jackson it is.

So, Luke Jackson is off the board ladies and gentlemen. 

Luke....I am your teammate

Luke Jackson is actually a pretty sick basketball player so don't think I'm bashing the guy. He was a beast in college.

Who knows, maybe he was great in workouts and practice (Editor's note: I hear he makes a mean tuna fish casserole). Doesn't matter, the Cavs fucked up. They screwed over Lebron. It's human to draft the wrong guy (especially in the NBA) but it seems people conveniently forgot about ol' Luke when Lebron left. If you had drafted Al Jeff, or paired Lebron with Josh Smith maybe Lebron never leaves (Editor's note: if I could go back in time, I'd make them draft Sasha. That's a reality TV show).

Lets move on. After all, there's more to life than the draft.

(I'm going to gloss over Larry Hughes because I don't think anyone could have foreseen that, Cavs get a pass there)(Editor's note: Larry gets off the hook again)
Guys it's really not that hard...just jump and dunk the ball I'll show you how

The Cavaliers went on to fill up their roster with guys like Jerome Moiso, the immortal Ira Newble, Jeff Mcinnis and Robert Traylor. That feeling in your stomach? It's called being unimpressed.
Let's fast-forward to the NBA Finals team from 2007. I remember this team. The 2nd highest scorer on the team was Big Z, with 12.6 ppg. I think it's safe to say Lebron carried that team. (Editor's note: Carried. Fed. Clothed. Housed. Breathed Life into)

Essentially, Cavaliers teams from back in the day were filled with guys like Donyell "Sleepy Dog" Marshall. Players either past their prime or just not that good (Editor's note: Here's looking at you Boobie Gibson). It was frustrating to watch because you knew Lebron could be THAT much better with even an average supporting cast.

This changed in the last couple of years, I'm getting to that. 

I'm open!

The Cavs drafted JJ Hickson, a really smart move in my opinion, signed Shaq, traded for Antawn Jamison, Mo Williams etc.


Just like you're supposed to take care of your kids, you're supposed to trade for good players when you have Lebron James. Sorry to break it to you though Cleveland fans but the team was never that good.

Lebron James pushed those teams as far as they could go. They were built around him to fit his needs. If he wasn't amazing, they went nowhere. 

Lebron had nothing resembling a Pippen. Heck, he had nothing resembling a Chauncey Billups. A guy to take some big shots and take some pressure off him at the end of games. He had nothing resembling a budding player who was even half as great as him.

Lebron wasn't taking any chances this free agency period. He knows what it's like to have nothing so he went to a "sure thing". I can respect that.

He doesn't want to be let down by his supporting cast ever again. 

Staying in Cleveland is not my cup of tea, lads (Editor's note: So kiss my bloody black arse! Cheerio!).

Maybe he shouldn't have had a one hour special to announce his move. Lebron made his share of  mistakes with that. But maybe the Cavaliers shouldn't have squandered the last 7 years of Lebron's career. The sooner the Cavs can admit culpability, the sooner the healing can begin. Learn from this so the next time your savior arrives you don't chase him out of town (Editor's note: His name is Christian Eyenga).


  1. Cavs fans must feel like Marko Jaric if he lost Adriana Lima. Devastated.

    Ugh, one of the most inexplicable pairings of all-time. Sigh.

  2. I hear you there, Lebrons legacy took a hit there's no doubt about that

  3. ok 1 down...2 to go. I read SS and i will watch the vid later. I liked the article, some parts where funny, but i want to put my two cents in.

    normally rookies are by-products of their enviroment aka team. But the cavs were horrible w/o lbj and thats what made it easier to fall in the following pit. The cavs became completely the byproduct of lbj... See More. Until the 07 finals he had a shitty cast no doubt, but when ferry and gilbert put mo williams (who i hate but is a good decent pg) jamison...the team still had the 07 team mentality. This was not a team, partly what cavs made lbj and vice versa. The offence was him, like barkley said iso then he would go one-on-five. This wasn't exclusive to the playoffs. All the new acquistions post 07 finals where diminished in terms of full basketball skills. Yes he gave them open shots, but they rarely let him be an off-guard to spot up even in the friggin regular season. 7rpg, 7apg cmon even guys would not box out and move well. Meh let lbj find us on the court. I know great players make others less of what they could be for the greater good of winning. But jordan had to trust his teammates to go thru detroit, and kobe had to defer to pau (then he could go 6/24 in gm 7 of finals and still win). LBJ from 03-10 eas kobe 06-08, a great player that had too much on his shoulders and bad ppl surronding him. Luckily he got pau,bynum and artest, he became a deferer NOT an assister (coz LBJ assists are i did the hard work, JJ open layup or mo shoot open 3). He probably should have deferred to his team more to make critical plays when this good team around him was made. Kobe got his Big three, LBJ had to leave CLE coz he had toxic role for his ambitions and cleveland. In miami he is now a great player not the whole team. He became the product of his expectations being drafted(>MJ,ewing...), the horrible cavs team and the sports glory-deprived city.

  4. Great post, Horny (if I may call you that).

    @IceT: Good point about how flawed the Cavs were offensively. Defensively, however, they had a great system. This Miami defense looks soft to me. Another potential Heat problem: LeBron doesn't get the ball for the final shot anymore. Might not sit well w Global Icon.

  5. @Steve G my bad I miss spoke, I was building on your comment where you pointed out how Lebron's Heat move is no where near as inexplicable as Jaric and Lima, nice.

    @Ice T:

    I think Antwan could have been Lebrons second in command, he can create his own shot better than most. He just didn't have time to get acclimated. One more year they win the ring without a doubt (unless LBJ intentionally tanked)


    Horny works (I never thought I'd write that).

    Yea this Heat thing could be a problem but I think there's no way they don't realistically work it out.